Fellow Australians, let’s be frank. America gets a whole lot of stuff wrong.
But recently, America went one enormous step too far in their misunderstanding of all things we Australians hold sacred.
On a list of “Hipster Food Trends You’ll Be So Over In A Year“, they called fairy bread a “stupid, colourful novelty”. They said it would “soon disappear”.
If you want to drink weird brown water and say it’s “coffee”, that’s your prerogative. If you want to deliberately steer clear of the most effective antiperspirant on the market, that’s on you. If you continue to blindly insist that Vegemite is gross when you’re just doing it wrong, the only people you’re hurting are yourselves.
But don’t mess with our fairy bread.
See, fairy bread is not “hipster”. It is, on the contrary, the snack of the people. Anyone can eat fairy bread! Anybody can make fairy bread! It’s only got three ingredients! THREE!
To help our American friends understand the concept, I’ve prepared a handy questionnaire for nosing out genuine “hipster trends.”
HOW TO SPOT A HIPSTER TREND:
1. You can't make it at home.
For example, a "cronut" (a fancy cross between a croissant and a doughnut) is a hipster trend because you're not a contestant on Masterchef and the recipe is complex, involves "ganache" and comes in TWO PARTS. It's a TWO PART RECIPE.
Those fancy Nutella milkshakes with baked goods balanced on the top are a hipster trend because nobody has time to fiddle with that nonsense. Also, non-hipsters eat their Nutella the normal way, straight from the jar.
2. It's the worst.
Kombucha can be made at home. However, it's made of a mould that you grow yourself in a pot and is too disgusting to even speak about, let alone drink.
Also, fried chicken served in a shoebox is something you could technically prepare in your kitchen, but that would be weird and unhygienic, because people's feet have been in shoes that have been in that box.
Fairy bread, naturally, is neither difficult to make at home nor the worst.
On the contrary! It's easy to make at home and the best!
Fairy bread recipes don't come in two parts. They come in one part: Get bread. Put butter on bread. Put buttered bread in Hundreds & Thousands. Enjoy.
Americans, we here in Australia know you have a lot to learn.
Remember when you freaked out about Australian tampons, or when Donald Trump became a candidate for one of your two main political parties and now there's kind of a real chance he could become your president?
Those things are all fun and games, but fairy bread isn't a laughing matter.
Fairy bread doesn't discriminate based on age, gender or socioeconomic background. In fact, it's possible fairy bread is literally the cheapest party food on the market.
Fairy bread isn't pretentious, like kimchi or kale. Fairy bread just is what it is: bread and butter dipped in sugar sprinkles.
So t's time to lay down the law. You claim to be "the land of the free" - so stop undermining the most fundamentally democratic snack option on the market.
Okay, so maybe you can make Nutella milkshakes at home. If you're so inclined, see how here: