Dear Mark Zuckerberg,
We are writing to you regarding your little known social networking site which goes by the name of ‘Facebook‘.
At this stage, you have 1.49 billion monthly active users, your site generates $1.4 million in revenue every hour, and there are more US citizens with a Facebook account than voted in the last election.
So, if there’s one thing a guy like you needs, it’s unsolicited advice about how you should run your business.
In The Social Network, a wise man (Justin Timberlake, it was Justin Timberlake) said: “We lived on farms, then we lived in cities, and now we’re going to live on the internet.”
Well Mr. Zuckerberg, if we’re going to live on the internet, and more specifically on Facebook, then we have a few gripes about our living conditions. As our landlord, we’d like you to address some of our concerns, which include series-ruining spoilers, unflattering tagging, and the free reign our mum has to share and post things that don’t make sense.
Unfortunately, that friend who cannot help but post sporting results/Game of Thrones twists/the winner of The Bachelor is here to stay. Mr Zuckerberg, do you have any idea what it’s like to be at work, or at some event you were obliged to attend, and not be able to check Facebook out of fear that it will reveal something we’ve been holding out to watch?
God forbid we have to put our phones away and speak to the people around us. Yuck. This is 2016, not 1916.
Enter: The spoiler block. The feature would allow us to identify key words eg. ‘Masterchef’ and block any content featuring that word. No longer will people have wasted 100 hours of television viewing to be told the winner via Tom Smith’s grammatically incorrect status.
Zuckerberg, let’s be real. There are photos where it’s blatantly obvious that the person will NOT want to be tagged. When the following photo is posted to your wall by a “friend” on your birthday, it becomes very clear that Facebook is not doing it’s job:
When someone attempts to tag their friend in an objectively unflattering photo, Facebook should respond with the following message: “No – Sir/Madam, this picture is revolting. You ought to be ashamed of yourself for trying to humiliate a friend like that. Shame on you.” Thanks Facebook, you have our back.
If Facebook can predict faces, it must also have the potential to predict when our face…no longer looks like a face. Let’s launch smart tagging, so that we don’t log onto Facebook after a long day and find 14 photos of ourselves looking like Gollum.
Set our mum’s account to invisible…please
Okay, so this is less of a suggestion and more…begging. We’re begging. It’s a free country so our mum has the right to have a Facebook account and comment on things she doesn’t understand. But there should be a way to set someones account to ‘invisible’.
Mr. Zuckerberg – she shares photos that aren’t hers. She uploads blurry pictures where you can’t make out what it’s of. She comments on articles and gets trolled by hundreds of people. Once she challenged a random internet man and got SENT A DICK PIC. This is for her own good Zuckerberg. Please. Our mum needs to believe she is engaging with the Facebook world, but actually be invisible. PLEASE.