As human beings, it’s often second nature to criticise ourselves. And as women, often it’s much worse.
In fact, according to a study, the average woman criticises herself at least eight times a day. Now this won’t do. Especially between the sheets.
The one thing I hear most often, is that a woman’s ‘mean girl’ sings out at the worst possible moments. About to accept a big promotion at work, about to embark on a new goal and even when we’re in the throes of passion with our partner…
‘Mean girl’ whispers in our ears telling us that our tummies are too pudgy, our boobs are too saggy, our thighs look fat in that position or we’re just not sexy enough. Worst of all is when our minds tell us we’re simply not doing things right.
The problem here is that it’s almost impossible to get that deep connection we crave with our lovers, when that voice is whispering (or screaming) inside our heads.
That voice gets in the way. A lot. It stops us from really being present, enjoying the pleasure we most definitely deserve. It stops us from the love and intimacy we want with our partners. And the other problem is that sometimes, just sometimes, we choose to believe that she is trying to protect us and keep us safe.
Sometimes, we believe she’s right.
But it’s time to snatch back the passion and stop criticising ourselves during sex, and here’s how to do it.
1. Stop and breathe.
Now I know, that climax moment when you’re getting hot and heavy with your partner isn’t the best time to stop. But you may just have to take a moment to slow down a bit. As soon as those thoughts start entering your mind, take a second, stop and take a big, deep breath. Your partner may even think it’s part of your play.
By doing this, you take the power away from that inner voice and channel it into your breath. Best of all, it gives you a moment to catch your breath before the fun really ramps up.
2. Listen to her.
It may be hard to listen to, but sometimes you have to take it in to fully understand where it’s coming from. Your inner critic survives on fear, it thrives on fear.
So, when it all boils down to it, chances are your fears are driving the mean girl. Do you fear that your thighs are too big? Fear that your curves are in the wrong places? Fear that you’re not satisfying your partner? You’re just adding fuel to the fire.
At the end of the day, you need to face those fears, look them in the eye and tell them they’re wrong. Because anything that you feel scared of, anything that you feel embarrassed by – that’s what makes you, you. Own it!
3. Focus on the positives.
When mean girl says you’ve got stretch marks, turn around and make sure she knows that you have an awesome butt.
We all have something we wish we could change about ourselves, but for some reason, that’s what we choose to focus on. When you’re in the heat of passion, believe me, it’s not the time to be thinking about your problem points. It’s the time to think about how awesome your body really is.
If mean girl sneaks in mid-steam session, simply think about what part of yourself you really love, and focus on that. Not only will it get you through the session, but it’s going to be that much better because of it.
When it comes to orgasms, blokes are wired a little differently to women. The Mamamia Out Loud team discuss. Post continues after audio.
4. Remember your partner is grateful.
We’re far harder on ourselves than anyone else is. Trust me when I say, once you’re naked your partner has no complaints!
They are grateful to be connecting with you in this way. Although your body might have changed since you first met - or since your 20s - your partner is still attracted to you and turned on by you.
If they weren’t they wouldn’t be with you.
5. Love yourself.
Yep, easy to say; harder to do. But the more you love yourself, the harder it will be to criticise yourself.
So, open your legs and your heart, and get busy. The more you love yourself, the more confident you’ll feel and the more incredible your sessions will be. You know why? Because they won’t be based on fear or criticism, or fear of criticism; they’ll be based on love, lust and passion.
And that always, always, always makes for good sex.
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