Why can’t I have a party, a pill, and a blessed release?

I think everyone should have the right to die with dignity.

It’s not nice to have this drag out. What would be nice is a ‘Happy Farewell Party’.

I’ve already had input in planning my wake, but it would have been nice to be there. I have this little bit of money – at this point I don’t have to make my super last until I’m 80, so I’d like to plan the biggest and best party. Spanish champagne called Cava, happy hour at the club and as much food and fun as you can imagine.

With me sprinkling fairy dust everywhere and saying my goodbyes.

Some might say, “Silly old Lesley, she’s wasted her money,” but I just want my last moments to be seeing everyone happy.

I had a very normal life. I married Hugh and had two kids, Peter and Tanya, and now have four wonderful grandchildren. I was a teacher. I taught geography. The sad thing is I’ve learned long after the fact, that I had talents that I didn’t know I had. What I really loved was showing kids how to be creative and solve problems. There are people who talk and those who listen – I’m a chatterbox and I love to demonstrate.

I had a very normal life. Image: iStock.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002. My reaction was 'Bugger'.

Simply 'Bugger'.

I had wonderful doctors. I initially got through it and I thought I was in the clear, but then in 2011 we were moving house and my neck came out in a big bulge. I saw the doctor and said "Please tell me this isn’t a tumour."

But it was.

Now the tumour is so big I can't eat solid food and it's blocking my windpipe. The doctors say it will slowly strangle me to death.

People ask what it is that I think about the most now and to be honest ... it's food. The tumour means I can’t eat proper food anymore and I watch Masterchef and I long for pot noodles and Chinese take away. Now it’s mushed.

First you cry - then you laugh.

But seriously, while I still have my voice I want to tell people we need to legalise euthanasia.

Yet our society has made very little progress towards allowing ‘death with dignity’ to people suffering the last stages of terminal illness. Image: iStock.

I've written an open letter. It says:

It’s pains me that it could be misused. I understand if you think about an evil man who might do it to someone who didn’t want it, you could see it being used badly.

But in my case I want to put a stop to the pain. I have people around me who will protect me.

I’ve thought about doing it illegally but it would be terrifying to get Hugh in trouble. I’d never ask him.  And I don’t want to bring problems on to my GP or have my family persecuted. I‘ll be really pleased if by me speaking out both sides are expressed and the subject is brought out into the open.

Why can’t I have a party, a pill, and a blessed release? Image: Pinterest.

One thing I've learned is that there's a lot to getting cancer that’s good ... you get to say goodbye. I've decided cancer was a blessed way to go, so you have time to tell people you love them, extra time to heal relationships. My sister has been wonderful and my mother has been tricky, but I forgive her.

Hugh and I certainly had ups and downs in our marriage.

I hope he forgets how controlling I am and I hope he remembers I just tried my best and I did it for a good reason. I pushed my family too hard but I didn’t know what I was doing it. Everybody makes mistakes. No point with 'what ifs'.

It pains me that Hugh has had to carry the load for so long because I've been sick. He’s struggled. We’re ordinary people. I just hope in the end he thinks "She wasn’t a bad old sort".

I’m hoping I have friends who stand for my view on euthanasia.

I should have been dead long ago. I think telling you my story is what’s been keeping me alive.

Now that I've said what I need to say, I’m asking people to let me go.