Note: This is a spoiler free zone. Any comments that try to compromise this will not be tolerated. It’s all fun and games until somebody ruins Eurovision night- don’t be that person!
It’s that time of year once again!
After Denmark’s 2013 win, this year’s Eurovision Song Contest is being held in Copenhagen, which is great because Eurovision is always better when the country hosting it a) has money and b) is not corrupt. (Yes, Azerbaijan, we all realised when your ‘interval act’ was your President’s son-in-law. This isn’t a backyard wedding. You can’t get away with that here.)
Tonight, 26 countries will perform in the final. Five of those countries – France, Germany, Italy, Spain and the UK – have qualified automatically as the result of the funding they provide to the European Broadcasting Union, who produce the contest. (Hey, no one said Europe’s most popular talent show was fair.) Denmark has qualified automatically because they are the host nation. The remaining 20 countries have qualified after competing in two semi-final rounds.
There will be pyrotechnics, key changes and bearded drag queens. To help you through it, here’s our Mamamia Eurovision Drinking Game. And, as a special treat, I’ve painstakingly compiled a list of the top 10 acts to watch at tonight’s final.
May the most Eurofabulous entry win.
The reigning champions are bringing the danceable vibes this year with a song that has just enough nonsense scat singing to transcend all language barriers. It’s called ‘Cliche Love Song’ and is sung by a guy called Basim who obviously doesn’t understand that this is Eurovision and ‘cliche’ is sort of taken as read.
Will they make it two years in a row? Unlikely. Will I play this song at parties without disclosing its Eurovision status? Most definitely.
Armenia are one of the bookies’ favourites going into tonight’s final.
I honestly do not understand why. Aram MP3’s (yeah, your parents named you after a sound file, we believe you, Aram) first lines are: “You’re all alone, you’re all alone. No shoulder wants you to lean on.” Which is pretty lame lyricism, even by Eurovision standards.
Luckily, the other bookies’ favourite is a lot better. This is Sanna Nielsen with ‘Undo’, a song that fits perfectly into the ‘blonde Scandinavian lady ballad’ genre that has done well for Sweden over the years.
THAT KEY CHANGE! Stop it, Sanna. You are the greatest.
4. The UK
You know what’s really great? When the BBC convincingly pretends to give half a fudge about Eurovision.
That’s why tonight’s entry is so exciting because, while the UK’s past few entries have been objectively shit (Engelbert Humperdinck – really?), this Molly Smitten-Downes gal is quite good.
Although BBC, in the (likely) event that this song does not see London hosting Eurovision 2014, might I just give one piece of advice? Send One Direction. The teenage girls of the continent will guarantee you a first place. In fact, you might cause a Europe-wide phone outage.
This year, Russia is being represented by the Tolmachevy Sisters. Or, as they prefer to be known, ‘Tolmachevy Sisters’, because definite articles are just one of the many aspects of English language grammar that can be done away with on Eurovision night.