When I became a mother, I was determined I was going to be the kind of mother who raised exceptional children. I was going to give my children opportunities to live big lives where the possibilities are endless. I was going to raise brilliant, compassionate, interesting human beings.
I poured all my energy and love into them. I was going to have wonderful, loving and mutually satisfying relationships with each one, enjoying their friendship and companionship into their adulthood.
Side note… here’s how you’re acting in self-isolation according to your star sign. Post continues below.
When my youngest child decided that I was not the mother she wanted anymore, I felt my world crumbling out from under me and I went into a free-fall.
Her name means “Joyful Spirit” and “Gracious gift from God.” She is both of those things. When she was little, she was the shining light of our family. She danced through life like a little fairy, sprinkling magic fairy dust on everyone who had the privilege of knowing her.
As she entered primary school, she used her gift in the drama club. She entertained us both at home, and on the stage at school, with her gift for interpreting the absurd in a way that kept us always in stitches. Laughter filled our home because of her.
She had a natural musical ability that was extraordinary and, at an early age, she came into the kitchen and asked me when she was getting her violin. We took her to be fitted for one when she was seven and her teacher was astonished at how quickly she learned. She wove music into the laughter to make us all so glad she was a part of our family.
When she was 12 years old we were able to find enough money to buy her a pair of “slightly used horses.” It was not unusual to look out the window and see her laying on the back of one of her horses, reading a book while he placidly grazed in the pasture. It is a picture that is imprinted in my memory. She was the levity in our lives.
But things were not always easy for her, or for me.
When she was five years old, I fell into a dark depression. I was in an oppressive marriage and felt like I was in a cage that I could not see my way out of. When I look back on that time, I know it had an impact on her, as well as her brother and sister. I grieve for them all that they suffered through that time with me, but fortunately, I was able to get some help and it did not last long.