The one golden nugget that Esther Perel wants you to know about your relationship.

“Earlier today, I asked one of my patients how their relationship was going,” iconic couples' therapist Esther Perel tells Mamamia from her New York City apartment. 

“And it started with, ‘He’s making a real effort’. She proceeded to tell me about all the positive and nice things he was doing and she felt better about.”

Then Perel cut through, with the trademark intelligence and wit:

“That is very nice,” I told her.

“And what about you?”

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Esther Perel is a renowned psychotherapist, New York Times bestselling author and the beloved and trusted voice in the ears of millions who listen to her podcasts, Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work?

And in November, she will be coming to our shores with her first-ever Australia and New Zealand speaking tour, An Evening with Esther Perel: The Future of Relationships, Love and Desire.

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She’ll also be launching Where Should We Begin - A Game of Stories with Esther Perel, a card game which aims to foster connection and unlock the storyteller within for sale in Australia. 

Where Should We Begin - A Game of Stories with Esther Perel. Image: Supplied.

The interactive show Perel is touring in 2022 shines a light on the complex cultural shifts transforming relationships.

“There is what happens at the show, but for me, it is also about what happens after you leave the theatre,” enthuses Perel. “It’s about the rest of the evening; where you talk about what we discussed, what it evoked in you, how it made you feel, what you've been wanting to tell your partner.”

From online dating and infidelity, to managing the dynamics of security and freedom; conflict and power; and trust and communication, Perel will help the audience navigate the twists and turns of modern love. 

And the many turns there are – particularly in the wake of a pandemic and two years of lockdown. 

“All disasters or pandemics function as relationship accelerators,” enlightens Perel. 

“It puts you in touch with mortality. Life is short and time is limited. ‘I'm going to hone into my priorities, so what am I waiting for?’”

Perel has seen patients in which the epiphany manifests in two different main ways: Either, let’s move in together, let’s get married, let’s have kids, or; I’ve waited long enough and I’m out of here. Life is too short to stay in this unsatisfying, frustrating situation.

Since the arrival of COVID, social isolation is another of the biggest issues Perel has encountered amongst those who sit on her couch. 

“People are way too alone – while at the same time having unprecedented expectations of the romantic relationship. They are wanting all of their major existential human needs basically answered in one relationship.”

It’s an expectation that “overburdens” and “depletes” a couple, says Perel, drawing a contrast against couples who are surrounded by a robust and supportive group of friends rather than solely relying upon each other to “give what an entire village should provide”. 

Then, there is also heightened ambivalence: Am I happy enough? Should I stay?... Should I go?

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And the big questions: How do I know I’ve found ‘the one’? Is it time to delete the app and let go to the access of thousands of people at my fingertips? 

It’s the early 30s antidote to “relational nomadism”.

Perel muses, “Modern love is steeped in negotiation since you don't have preset norms for everything anymore, and the rules are changing under your feet”.

It’s the inner workings of relationships that has interested Perel from the age of 12. Born and raised in Antwerp, Belgium, her friends often came to her to discuss their challenges – “It was like a riddle that I liked to figure out”.

Perel’s curiosity led her to the writings of Freud, and on a journey to better understand her own family – and their deep trauma.

She is the daughter of Polish-born Jewish Holocaust survivors – and it indelibly shaped Perel’s identity and worldview.

As she grew older, Perel ruminated on how her parents were able to get up every morning in the squalid conditions of the concentration camps, while tragedy unfolded around them.

“And you grow up with a massive sense of loss of all of these people that you will never know, and immediate family that you will never have,” she pauses in thought, continuing, “And the sense that you’re a bit of a miracle. You’re a sign of survival – and a symbol of revival.”

Throughout her childhood, Perel also perceived the distinct experiences of other survivors around her parents: “There were those who didn’t die. And there were those who came back to life.”

Perel explains that the latter group moved beyond the guilt of survival and pleasure and said, “I'm going to give meaning to all the losses. I’m going to replant, rebuild, regenerate and repurpose all of that.”

“I think I’m very much the product of that. And that [perspective] is completely immersed in all my work with couples today.”

While Perel’s private practice went “rather incognito” to the wider public for the first 32 years of her career; her fame landed solidly around seven years ago.

Since then, she was named as one of Oprah’s Supersoul 100 visionaries and influential leaders; and selected in the Forbes 50 over 50.

Image: Supplied.

Her worldliness – and mastery of nine different languages – has allowed Perel to understand multiple truths, realities and points of view. But it’s a two-way street, as she translates and shares her profound understanding to all in a way that is both complex but accessible - and with a healthy dose of humour. 

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With all the troubles associated with modern love, there is one golden nugget of insight that Perel gleans.

And she shared it with her patient from earlier today too.

“You need to take responsibility for your part of the story... As long as you think it's the other person, you remain hooked in either hostile dependence or positive dependence.”

“If you only think things will get better when your partner makes the changes, you're still in the same format… You're staying in the mode of blame and it's the other person who has agency while you're on the receiving end.”

The real shift comes when you move from blame and attack, to understanding and accountability, says Perel.

“If you want to change the other, change yourself. Because once you do something systematically different, sooner or later, the other person has to adapt. They can't continue to do their thing.” 

“And the whole dance changes.”

Join iconic couples therapist Esther Perel for An Evening with Esther Perel: The Future of Relationships, Love and Desire, a special evening as she shines a light on the complex cultural shifts transforming relationships. 

Tickets are on sale now.

Feature Image: Mamamia/Instagram/@estherperelofficial