Two parents, in conversation. Hilarity ensues.
Bec: We’ve still got so many things to buy for the baby.
Matt: I know, right? What is the baby going to do on Saturday afternoons if he doesn’t have a seven metre yacht to sail on?
Bec: You’re not getting a yacht. We can’t afford a yacht.
Matt: I meant sailboat. I said “yacht” so you’d think I was rich and you would love me more.
Bec: I have access to your bank account, you can barely afford a Paddle Pop, and I still love you more than anyone else appears to, so we’re not getting a sailboat. We need important baby stuff. Like a baby monitor.
Matt: Why do we need a baby monitor? Isn’t he just going to sleep in the same room as us anyway, like our eleven-year-old dog, and your 31-year-old pillow?
Bec: I suppose. Maybe. How do we know when it’s time to put the baby in his own room?
Matt: Going by your record of separation anxiety, I imagine when he’s starting to bring girls home.
Bec: Seriously, there are so many things we need. According to this list in Platinum Parenting Magazine, there are 157 essential must-have baby items, and we only have five.
Matt: We’ve already got a cot, car seat, stroller, Baby Bjorn, and that shipping container of disposable nappies your aunt bought at Costco. I never had disposable nappies. I think we’re already splurging there. What else could we possibly need?
Bec: A change table for a start.
Matt: What’s wrong with the normal table?
Bec: The one we eat dinner from?
Bec: Have you ever changed a baby?
Bec: On that note, we’ll need a high chair.
Bec: So the baby can eat at the dinner table with us.
Matt: I thought babies just ate breast milk. Which I’m all for. If you want to feed the baby at the dinner table that’s awesome. It’ll be the first time I will have seen your boobs in nine months.
Bec: We’ll need a feeding chair.
Matt: How is that different to a high chair?
Bec: I’ll sit in the feeding chair to feed the baby. And you can too, when I’ve expressed and you’re doing the 3am shift.
Matt: Define “expressed”. And, while you’re at it, define “3am shift”.