Choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone is a major milestone in a relationship, usually marked by a proposal. Aside from planning how to actually pop the question, there’s one detail that many people deem the most important – the ring.
For some it’s a total surprise picked by their partner, for others it’s a collaborative process. For one woman, it’s proving to be a source of conflict with her fiancé at what should be a happy time.
Under the username ‘Grandma’s Ring’, the 34 year old took to Reddit to seek advice about her dilemma.
“I was very close with my paternal grandma, and when she died about five years ago, she left me her wedding/engagement ring. Ever since then, I’ve had a fantasy about using her ring as my own wedding/engagement ring when I get married,” she wrote.
“It’s not really a normal engagement ring by today’s standards… it is a yellow gold band with a bunch of smaller diamonds but no solitaire, but I love it and it makes me feel close to her on the rare occasions that I wear it (I only wear it on very special occasions because I don’t wear a lot of jewellery anyway usually, and it feels too special to wear every day anyway.)
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“Not only is it very sentimental to me, but she and my grandpa had a beautiful marriage that I would love to emulate in my own life,” she wrote.
While the woman and her partner are not “officially” engaged, they’re already planning for the wedding. He wants to ask her properly with a ring – and that’s where the problem starts. (Post continues after gallery.)
“I would love him to propose to me with my grandma’s ring because it means so much to me, but he has said that he’s really excited to get me a ring that is special to us,” she continues.
“I told my BFF that I would love him to propose to me with my grandma’s ring, so independently she came up with (and suggested to him) that he start with my grandma’s ring but modify it to make it ours. He mentioned this to me, but honestly I feel weird about making changes to the ring. I love it the way it is, and don’t want to change it.”
Consulting her other friends also didn’t work, with all of them siding with her partner.
“I’ve also talked about the ring situation with some other friends, and they seemed to think that it’s not good enough for him to propose to me with a ‘free’ ring, even though that’s what I really want – which is dumb,” she wrote.
"I do respect that this is not just about me, and that he should feel wonderful about the ring he gives me because it's a token of his love. But I still really wish that he would just give me my grandma's ring, and definitely not mess with it.
"I have tried to express this to him, but he really seems to want to make or buy something that is 'his' as well as mine. Plus he seems to share my friends' opinion that it's a cop out to give me a free ring that was already mine."
Now she's at a stalemate, unsure whether she should keep pushing for it or just let it go.
"In the grand scheme of things, I know this isn't a huge deal and I would be happy to marry him with any or no ring. The ring isn't really the point of getting married. But still, I would really REALLY love to use my grandma's ring if I could just get him on board."
It's a tricky situation and people were divided over the solution.
"When you look at [the ring] you won't just think of him, you'll think of your grandma. When people ask where it's from you won't think 'my wonderful fiancé bought it', you'll think 'my wonderful grandma gave us it'," commented one Redditor.
"There's nothing wrong with that and many people love to use passed down rings - but your fiancé wants something that is special to you guys and your love. Let him get you a new ring and keep wearing the old one - I wouldn't take this gesture of love away from him."
Others suggested a compromise of using the family heirloom as a "placeholder" ring, or as the woman's wedding band and picking out a new ring together for her engagement ring.
What do you think she should do?