real life

"And then there was the time I wanted to disown my kids..."

What’s the most embarrassing thing your child has done?

My daughter has named her favourite mermaid doll Titty.

It’s quite a delightful toy, with a green shimmery squishy tail and long woollen hair. I could imagine cuddling her as a child, imagining Titty and I off on adventures in the sea.

She could have come everywhere with me and my toy dog, Boner.

Yes. Titty and Boner – I can see them running amuck Toy Story style with Woody and Buzz.

Say hello to Titty the mermaid

To tell you the truth, I feel a bit awkward about my daughter’s doll’s name. I know I am meant to be all “it’s just a name and doesn’t mean anything”, I am meant to be blasé and relaxed but I just feel a little weird about it.

I tried the other day to slightly adapt it. We were in the supermarket and my daughter was screaming out loudly distressed at being parted from her favourite mermaid, “I want Titty. I want Titty NOW.”

I tried the subtle consonant change. "Ditty’s in the car," sweetheart I said in my I’m-a-firm-but-caring-mother voice.

"It’s not DITTY Mama," my always-bright nearly four-year-old said. "It’s Titty. T Mama TIT-ty!"

I saw amused glances of other shoppers from the corner of my eye while a group of teenage boys snickered loudly and collapsed on top of themselves in fits of laughter.

I’m torn about exactly how to approach it you see, after all I did have a small stuffed dog called Boner. Obviously my parents were either generously accepting of small children’s faux pas or just didn’t watch much bad 1970’s TV.

There was that time my daughter....

It’s not the first time my children have made me want to run far, far away in public.. There was the time my son asked me very loudly, at a large family do if I had ever touched Daddy’s pee-pee, and who can forget the time my daughter asked the lady at the checkout why she was so fat...did she eat all the food in the supermarket?

A quick straw poll amongst my colleagues and friends reveals that I am anything but alone when it comes to completely humiliating children.

Vagina please.

One friend’s child’s favourite food is vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina he asks for dinner. At cafes, in restaurants. What would you like Charlie? Vagina. He says hungrily.

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Vagina now.

Vagina for dinner.

So lasagna it is, each and every time.

Haven’t seen one like THAT before!

A childless friend realised the joys of life with three children when she came to stay one weekend. As many of those childless folk do she sleeps sans-clothes.

Kids have no filter.

What she didn’t realise was that three small children have no filter and will proudly announce to the house the state of this Auntie’s proud new Brazilian after they climbed under the covers to give her a good morning cuddle. Auntie Jo doesn’t have any hair on her gina three children shot through the house chanting endlessly.

Poor Mummy.

When a pregnant Mum was diagnosed with diabetes during her pregnancy her preschooler delighted in telling all who would listen that Mummy has diarrhea. Poor Mummy.

Let’s just have another one!

Another friend thinks her son's teacher is about to sign her up for Alcoholics Anonymous after he filled out a recent project called “Who is Family?” with these delightful tidbits about her home life.

Mummy’s favourite thing: Wine

Daddy’s favourite thing: Beer

Mummy’s favourite food: Wine

Daddy’s favourite food: Beer

Uh-no. See a pattern here?

Strings from bottoms.

Mum has a string from her bottom

“My Mum has a string in her bottom,” a colleague’s child proudly told the plumber, and then the courier, and then her teacher.

Just like a toy!

We love our kids. Sure we do, but there are those times that they make us want to crawl into the nearest cave and sleep for the winter. Perhaps when they are teenagers, we will reap our revenge by kissing them good-bye at the school gate.

What’s the most embarrassing thing your child has said in public?

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