About a week ago something happened that has been troubling me.
It’s been sitting in the corners of my mind, stirring around and leaving me feeling ill at ease. It’s not you. In fact it’s got nothing to do with my life, it’s something that happened far away when a man, his name was Elliot Rodger, went berserk and killed 6 people before killing himself in the US.
From one point of view it’s odd, we live in a world where there are plenty of heinous acts committed by our fellow humans. Some kill even more people, some cause more suffering and many don’t make as big a splash in the news. But this one, well, it got me right in the heart. You’ll probably understand why when you get to paragraph 3.
Here’s the story: A man decided to kill. He made a video before he killed (which I can’t bring myself to watch). In the video he basically said that he would murder people because he was lonely, unloved and no one will have sex with him, meanwhile other men around him seemed to get lots of sex. His act of barbaric slaughter was in ‘retribution’ for the neglect he had suffered at the hands of the females of the species. Basically: No woman loves me, every woman hates me I think I’ll commit homicide. All this at the age of 22. That’s important, he was 22.
First let me tell you something quite personal, and probably a bit icky. I didn’t have sex till I was 22. That’s important, I was 22. I wasn’t abstinent or anything, my celibacy wasn’t out of choice, Nor was it in the service of some high ideal of ‘saving myself’ for the right woman or for marriage. It was because women confused me and I had no idea how to tell if they were interested in me, or how to show I was interested in them. Sure I could talk to women, and frequently did. I formed great friendships with females throughout my early adulthood, I was outgoing and funny. However I basically had no idea how to raise the subject of love/sex/attraction/whatever you want to call it, so I never did. I never asked, so it never happened. And it was frustrating. I watched my friends pair off, break up, pair off again… I saw my mates pick up while I sat in a corner drinking, making funny jokes or spending all night talking to some really nice girl only to have it all end with a kind of awkward goodbye. I thought there was something wrong with me.