This post deals with miscarriage, and might be triggering for some readers.
Over a week after finding drugs in my house, over a week after discovering that my husband of six years and the father of my children had been using for nearly our entire relationship, over a week after deciding to kick him, over a week after deciding to keep him and f**k him instead, he put his mouth on my nipple. It was so sensitive that I gasped.
I knew then that when I had begged him silently to say no to using a condom when I had begged him silently to make the dumbest decision two people can make when their world has been irrevocably rocked and he had agreed, my body must have answered with, yes you will yes.
I took a test the next day and there it was: a faint second line. My husband didn’t believe it. He demanded I take another test the next day, but he kept smiling. He didn’t stop smiling. A baby? How could it happen so easily? He whispered to me that night. A miracle, I wanted to answer, I maybe did answer.
Watch: A tribute to the babies we’ve lost. Post continues below.
We had tried for two whole years to get pregnant and had to do IVF to get pregnant with our nearly one-year-old twins, yet here I was, magically pregnant.
Yet I wasn’t excited. I was terrified. I was the idiot who’d f**ked her husband three days after she’d found out he’d been lying to her for eight years, and not only did she f**k him, she’d gotten pregnant.
A couple of weeks into my pregnancy, I started spotting. I took a pregnancy test, and the control line was invisible. The test line was solid pink. A positive pregnancy test would be indicated by two lines; a negative by a single line (the control line). I noticed this was incorrect, but I just thought the test must have been wrong.
I told my husband and texted, “I don’t feel pregnant anymore.”
“Well, go in and see,” he told me.
I called my fertility doctor that had gotten me pregnant with my twins, and they brought me in for a blood pregnancy test. Later that day, I got my results: my values were over 15,000. They only needed them to be 25 for me to be pregnant.
Turned out that the pregnancy test looked wrong because I was “so” pregnant that the positive line needed to pull colour from the control line. The doctor prescribed me progesterone suppositories and suggested I take them daily and schedule my first ultrasound.