First things first, the forthcoming discussion of the film Legend of Tarzan does not require a spoiler alert. After reading this woman’s review your entire brain function will probably be diverted to fantasising about Alexander Skarsgard’s abs instead.
In fact, you will likely know less about the plot than you did before. You may also have forgotten how to do basic arithmetic and potentially even your own first name.
So Emily, a New Zealand-based blogger type, went to see the new Tarzan film over the weekend. She had a few vinos. Ahem. Quite a few vinos. After said vinos, Emily then proceeded to write her stream of thoughts and, well, the result might be one of the best film reviews ever produced.
It begins: “So I had wine and I am very tired and so I am a bit tipsy but I saw the Tarzan movie so I thought I’d give my honest review.
“I don’t know what the plot is or who is in it other than Alexander Skarsgard and Alexander Skarsgard’s magnificent holy abs.
“I don’t know what the dialogue or acting is like or whatever.
“But like 1/3 of the way in Alexander Skarsgard is going to fight a gorilla for some reason and he takes off his shirt and OMG LIKE I ACTUALLY GROANED LOUDLY.
“He does not put his shirt back on for the whole movie.”
You can watch the trailer for the film here. Post continues after video…
What follows is an in-depth analysis of the big ‘ol muscular V that points down to Skarsgard’s nether regions and is “worth so much I wanted to see the movie again straight afterward”. Knowing how expensive a trip to the cinema is these days, that means it’s essentially priceless.
Anyway, apparently Samuel L Jackson is also in the film and some woman (the very talented Margot Robbie, we’re assuming) is too. But honestly, “the important thing to know is that he doesn’t put his shirt back on and he’s really wearing those pants”.
Emily said so, okay?
Sorry, Margot who?!!
Emily also mentioned she was particularly taken with Skarsgard's sad "puppy dog" eyes, of which thankfully there are multiple close ups. She also wonders how on earth the film managed to snag a PG rating.
"If I was with Alexander Skarsgard I would be like what’s wrong Alexander Skarsgard because he always looks so sad. And then he would say – nothing because you’re my wife. And then we would bang.
"There is one sex scene that stops before anything properly happens which made me so angry I intend to write to the director to give him a pieces of my mind.
"What mum is going to watch this movie with her kid. Nobody wants to sit with their teenage son while they’re imagining Alexander Skarsgard diving into their lady parts.
"I am furious."
But Emily is also grateful for Skarsgard's height, a soft guttural noise he makes with his well-formed throat and his abs, obviously (not sure if we mentioned those already, they took a lot of work).
"I am an atheist but there is the point where he swings onto this other thing and catches his like 'wife' ... and like his muscles and his V and he’s so strong and tall and I actually like think I saw God?"
It's unclear if there is a dedicated Academy Award for killer abs and good arms, but it seems like we have a nomination.
Anyway if you'll excuse us we're having some very Magic Mike XXL feelings right now and immediately need to take a trip to the cinema.
You can read the entire glorious review in full here. Cheers, Emily.