opinion

"This is where things get awkward." A very telling 'leaked' diary entry from President Donald Trump.

Dear Diary,

I’m sick of this China virus. I’ve knelt down next to it half a dozen times now and whispered in its ear “please don’t” and yet it continues. Which is disrespectful to me as the President.

All I want is to be able to go to the movies again. Gold Class. I know I can just watch things at home but it’s not the same because I can’t get special movie popcorn and a large frozen coke. And a choc top! I love choc tops.

I’ve done everything I possibly can. And by that I mean I called Ivanka’s husband, Jared, who seems like a nice enough guy from family barbecues and whatnot, and asked him to please be in charge of… it. Like the organising of things/giving out hospital beds/soap (do people need soap? Idk). He said “okay, yes, fine” and so now he’s overseeing the Federal Emergency Management Agency’s distribution of medical supplies to hospitals and health care providers. And before you ask, YES he is qualified to be a real estate developer AND ALSO a real estate investor so please don’t come at me with criticism that he isn’t fit for the job for goodness sake.

Anyway, so for the time being I’ve pulled Jared off brokering peace in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (which honestly he can probably do on the side) and put him onto ‘Fixing Global Pandemic’. But this is where things get awkward.

You see, he’s doing kinda… shit? It’s been a while now, maybe 10 days, honestly I’m not keeping track, but from what I hear the virus isn’t fixed yet. Apparently a handful of people have even died. And I don’t want to make it uncomfortable, what with Jared being my son-in-law and all, but I think we might need to have a performance review. He also hasn’t fixed the Middle East yet and he’s been on that project for ages. If I can go to the toilet and read at the same time, then Jared should be able to address a global pandemic and also the Middle East? Like, learn to multitask? What the f*ck?

The Quicky asked if my presidency can survive COVID-19. I don’t know what COVID-19 is but I assume yes. Post continues below.

But this isn’t all Jared’s fault. Other people are to blame such as everyone except me. The Governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, for example. As I said on Twitter this week: “Cuomo’s been calling daily, even hourly, begging for everything, most of which should have been the state’s responsibility, such as new hospitals, beds, ventilators, etc. I got it all done for him, and everyone else, and now he seems to want Independence! That won’t happen!”

A few times, I had to go to my own shed, all the way in the back garden where there are even a few spiders, and find more hospital beds, which was annoying but also quite inconvenient. I had to rummage through the storage cupboard and find my spare ventilators even though it was nine o’clock at night and I was in the middle of watching Tiger King. And now I’m saying I want to open the country back up because I’m over all this bullshit and Cuomo has the hide to say “No, people will die”. BUT I WANT A FCKN CHOC TOP CAN YOU NOT READ. SIR.

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So then I reminded him that I’m the President of the United States and I’ll open a country prematurely and put hundreds of millions of lives at risk if I want to, and then he said that in the Constitution it says I can’t. Which is not ideal. I’ve now put ‘Read Constitution’ on my to-do list for tomorrow but if I don’t get around to it I might take a look at it the next day or perhaps the one after that.

Speaking of blame, this is also the fault of the Lamestream media. You’ve probably seen that term on my Twitter page. I have lots of followers, by the way. Definitely more than you. Because you’re just a stupid diary so couldn’t even tweet if you wanted to. Which is sad. For you. Anyway, I tweeted this week, “I am working hard to expose the corruption and dishonesty in the Lamestream Media…” and no one even told me how clever I was for using the term ‘Lamestream’. It’s like mainstream. But instead of using the word ‘main’ I used the word ‘lame’. Which rhymes but has a different meaning. What I’m trying to say is that the media is stupid and weak, which is a pretty smart point to make if you ask me.

While I’m on the subject of me being smart, yesterday I did a really cool press conference where I showed a whole compilation of news clips of me being really good at my job. I couldn’t find that many clips, so instead we just put victorious music over my face and took a few quotes of mine out of context.

donald trump
"This was slide 4 on my PowerPoint presentation. I don't really know how to use WordArt but I think it gets the message across. I worked really hard on it. It took me half an hour on Saturday afternoon."
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I was asked a few questions about how I made such good decisions, and one of my answers was so clever I'm going to get it printed out and framed. I said, "I think I took my own advice on the ban. I don't know..." and personally I think I'm very good at taking my own advice. Whenever I'm confused, I just ask myself for advice and listen. And then I say "thank you" and take that advice. And that's why everything ends so well for me.

You can see some of my press conference, right here. News organisations cut me off because apparently I was 'broadcasting propaganda on an international platform', but really I was just promoting my political point of view because I wanted to distract people from how little we're doing (Jared's doing) to fix the virus. Diary continues below. 

Video by NBC

Anyway, I think this virus is nearly finished now. Jared's on it. And I've upped my work hours which again no one has thanked me for. Yesterday my press conference went for more than two hours and I didn't even have a break for snacks and towards the end I felt my blood pressure getting quite low.

I had my office send a note to the virus just reminding it that I'm the President of the United States but more than that, I was on hit show The Apprentice for 15 seasons. And I'm asking for it to stop. Because that Fauci guy who runs the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told me last week that I can't get a choc top until this stops. And that's when I knew this was serious.

Hopefully by tomorrow this will all blow over and Jared can finally get back to ticking 'fix war in the Middle East' off his to-do list.

Donald.

* Note. This is not a real diary entry from Donald Trump. 

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