I’m sick of this China virus. I’ve knelt down next to it half a dozen times now and whispered in its ear “please don’t” and yet it continues. Which is disrespectful to me as the President.
All I want is to be able to go to the movies again. Gold Class. I know I can just watch things at home but it’s not the same because I can’t get special movie popcorn and a large frozen coke. And a choc top! I love choc tops.
I’ve done everything I possibly can. And by that I mean I called Ivanka’s husband, Jared, who seems like a nice enough guy from family barbecues and whatnot, and asked him to please be in charge of… it. Like the organising of things/giving out hospital beds/soap (do people need soap? Idk). He said “okay, yes, fine” and so now he’s overseeing the Federal Emergency Management Agency’s distribution of medical supplies to hospitals and health care providers. And before you ask, YES he is qualified to be a real estate developer AND ALSO a real estate investor so please don’t come at me with criticism that he isn’t fit for the job for goodness sake.
Anyway, so for the time being I’ve pulled Jared off brokering peace in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (which honestly he can probably do on the side) and put him onto ‘Fixing Global Pandemic’. But this is where things get awkward.
You see, he’s doing kinda… shit? It’s been a while now, maybe 10 days, honestly I’m not keeping track, but from what I hear the virus isn’t fixed yet. Apparently a handful of people have even died. And I don’t want to make it uncomfortable, what with Jared being my son-in-law and all, but I think we might need to have a performance review. He also hasn’t fixed the Middle East yet and he’s been on that project for ages. If I can go to the toilet and read at the same time, then Jared should be able to address a global pandemic and also the Middle East? Like, learn to multitask? What the f*ck?
The Quicky asked if my presidency can survive COVID-19. I don’t know what COVID-19 is but I assume yes. Post continues below.
But this isn’t all Jared’s fault. Other people are to blame such as everyone except me. The Governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, for example. As I said on Twitter this week: “Cuomo’s been calling daily, even hourly, begging for everything, most of which should have been the state’s responsibility, such as new hospitals, beds, ventilators, etc. I got it all done for him, and everyone else, and now he seems to want Independence! That won’t happen!”
A few times, I had to go to my own shed, all the way in the back garden where there are even a few spiders, and find more hospital beds, which was annoying but also quite inconvenient. I had to rummage through the storage cupboard and find my spare ventilators even though it was nine o’clock at night and I was in the middle of watching Tiger King. And now I’m saying I want to open the country back up because I’m over all this bullshit and Cuomo has the hide to say “No, people will die”. BUT I WANT A FCKN CHOC TOP CAN YOU NOT READ. SIR.