As Jacinta D'Angelo crouched in the bushes outside her home at 2am in the morning in the depths of Victoria's winter cradling her three-month-old baby, she knew something had to change.

She'd fled because he just wouldn't leave her alone. The yelling was non-stop.

"He just kept coming back and coming back and finding me and saying more things to me. And I was so terrified, because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I had this baby, and she was crying, and I just wanted to get out," Jacinta told Mamamia. 

As she sat there in the dark, hiding, she knew she would eventually have to go back in. Her eldest child was sleeping inside.

How did she get here? Before meeting her ex-partner aged 39, Jacinta had built a successful career as a hair and makeup artist working in the film industry, had travelled to 40 countries and considered herself to be a very strong and independent woman.

This is what coercive control looks like. Post continues after video.

She met John* online and things moved quickly. They were in love, and as far as she could tell there were no red flags. They had their first child within two years of their first date, and Jacinta noticed a switch in the delivery suite as they welcomed their son into the world.

"He became more aggressive. I felt like I saw a change in his behaviour," she said.

"It was something I'd never seen in him before….that's when the second guessing started."

From there, things went downhill. The gaslighting, aggression and manipulation left Jacinta feeling like she was doing everything wrong as she muddled through newborn and post-partum life.

She'd put too much formula in the baby's bottle (according to him). The salad had too much dressing (according to him). Slowly, he started to chip away at her self confidence, at a time when she was already feeling at her most vulnerable.

"Over time it was kind of breaking me down," Jacinta told Mamamia. "It was very, very slow….and I was questioning myself more and more."

Welcoming their second child, a daughter, just 18 months later only made things worse.

"He manipulated everyone around me as well, to make them believe that I was the problem. That I wasn't coping [with motherhood]."

The truth was, Jacinta was doing all of the parenting while he criticised her from the sidelines. Her partner wasn't even eating dinner with them — he'd eat separately. When she needed to work, he'd agree to look after the kids only to revoke the offer the night before, leaving her scrambling for childcare. He'd deliberately keep the kids up late, mucking up the routine Jacinta had put in place to ensure their bedtimes went smoothly.

It was sneaky, calculated and slowly but surely breaking her apart.

During his tirades, he'd threaten to take the kids away. It was a constant fear hanging over her.

Throughout it all, he never touched her, and for a long time Jacinta struggled to see that she was in an abusive relationship.

"I was a shadow of myself…and I just didn't want anyone to know the nightmare that I was going through at home. I didn't think anyone would understand, and it was embarrassing to tell people," she said.

It was a conversation with a counsellor that made Jacinta finally realise she was in a very bad situation.

The night everything changed.

Jacinta had been planning to leave. She'd been cultivating a plan in the background, but on this particular night the plans went out the window as things got "really bad".

"I thought he was actually going to hit me," Jacinta told Mamamia.

The argument had started over nothing (as it usually did). She'd ordered some prepped food for herself — one of those weekly meals services — so she didn't have to cook.

"He got really angry that I'd spent all this money on these meals…even though it was my money I'd spend - we always kept separate bank accounts."

He started taking photos, to send to her mother to "show her how much I was wasting money". As his temper started to escalate, Jacinta called the neighbour for help. It was the first time she'd let anyone else in.

"Can you please come over? I've got to leave," she said down the line.

With the neighbour in the room, John's anger only worsened. They called the police, causing him to leave the property. While he was gone, she packed up the kids and a few belongings and they left.

They never went back to that house again.

"My biggest motivator was my kids…I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking that's how she should be treated by a man, and I didn't want my son to think that's how he should treat a woman."

For the next three months, Jacinta and the kids didn't have a fixed address. They couch-hopped at friends or acquaintances' homes, who had no affiliation to John.

"It was really hard for me to do, but I reached out to services and asked for help….to get clothing for my children, basic needs. I didn't have a pram. I didn't have bottles. I was pretty much living minute to minute.

"It's like my house got burnt down…all of my valuable items, everything I have is gone."

It took four months of jumping between temporary accommodation to get their own place.

"The day I walked into that property with my children, I'll never forget it. It was an empty house — there was absolutely nothing in it — but I felt free. You can't put a price tag on that."

It took three years in Family Court, but Jacinta now has sole custody of her two children.

He did take his 'evidence' with him, and he did fight her. But ultimately, she won.

John still doesn't know where Jacinta and the kids live. Despite the world we live in, they've managed to stay off the radar despite Jacinta having public social profiles.

She's happy now, her life is full and her kids are thriving. She knows that's an important thing to spell out.

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A post shared by JACINTA D’ANGELO (@jacinta_dangelo_)

"I talk to a lot of women that have been through situations like this and when you're in it, you never imagine that there could be something better on the other side, because it feels too hard."

Jacinta knows why women go back.

It was a long, difficult, emotional journey extracting herself and her children from John's clutches.

"We need to find ways for women to feel comfortable enough that they can leave securely, not be found, and have some financial stability and housing that will give them some protection while they navigate [a new reality]," Jacinta told Mamamia.

She thinks this can be done with a few tangible tweaks. Firstly, she thinks there should be free legal aid for any woman fleeing a domestic violence situation.

Secondly, she thinks there needs to be an overhaul of the way the systems — like police, child protection and the courts — talk to each other.

"There needs to be a better way of navigating that," she explained.

Thirdly, support is key.

"But it needs to be ongoing, so there is a system in place that helps them for more than just a couple of weeks or nights of accommodation," she said.

Jacinta thinks these three changes would save a lot of women from finding the processes too hard, and returning to abusive partners.

"For them to know there's some support in place that's going to hold them to get to the other side."

It was services like Big Group Hug, of which she is now an ambassador, that were crucial during her time of need. Mamamia has partnered with another DV service, RizeUp, doing on-the-ground work to keep women afloat. It's charities and non for profits like these changing women's lives, while we wait for the more complex services to plug their holes.

Throughout her experience, Jacinta stayed hyper-focused.

"When you've been broken down so badly that you question a lot of things about yourself, you have to direct that energy into building yourself up, and finding things that light you up."

Throwing herself into exercise and beauty and fashion did wonders for her self-confidence, and buoyed her as she navigated her way to security and safety.

Five years on, she is a different person to the shell that fled that home.

"You wouldn't know to see me, that I've been through that," she told Mamamia.

"You can do it….you can get to the other side….it is possible."

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here. 

Jacinta now splits her time as a professional makeup artist and public speaker, sharing her journey in the hopes of being a source of inspiration and resilience for others. You can keep up to date with her on Instagram @jacinta_dangelo_ 

*name changed.

Feature image: jacinta_dangelo_