Forget the remote control, the phone has replaced it as gadget of choice when sitting down to watch a watercooler show like The Oscars. It also has the advantage of being something I actually know how to use. Unlike the remote controls (it takes 3 to operate my TV – what is it WITH THAT???) which may as well be bread sticks.

So anyway. I’ll have my thai takeaway, my phone, some chocolate and that’s it. Shall we all hold hands and say a special thankyou prayer that we are not attending the Oscars tonight? Because if we were? We would have had to spend our weekend getting our backfat sucked out under general anaesthetic. An article appeared in a UK newspaper detailing some of the BATSHIT INSANE things that celebrities do before a big event like the Oscars and I got tired just reading about it.

Highlights include having mink eyelashes applied, getting botox injected into your armpits (to stop you sweating OBVIOUSLY) and also under and between your breasts (to perk them up) and having surgery on your feet to make them more attractive in strappy shoes. Some celebrities even request liposuction on THEIR TOES.

Will someone please airlift these women to a refugee camp in Dafour so they can get some perspective? Can Angelina start doing powerpoint presentations on the red carpet about THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN YOU? Because clearly, being an actress means you have to declare yourself nuts.

Click below to hear a top Hollywood plastic surgeon describe what she has to do to the A-list women before they hit the red carpet…..