Do you have to kiss a douche to find your prince?

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A colleague of mine got dumped by her partner of five years last Friday night. A man she moved overseas (here) to be with. She’s been bawling her most beautiful eyes out ever since. She can’t eat, can’t sleep. It’s completely consuming and suffocating her. He offered her no explanation, and won’t enter in to any discussion about it either. She’s had to move out. Yes, you are correct. He’s a douche.

I’ve experienced something a little similar, and I’ve consulted with my girlfriends, and ALL of them have had equally yuck experiences. They’ve all hooked up with a guy/douche, stayed for too long, accepted the shittiest of treatment, and then regretted the whole relationship afterwards. However, here’s the sun-shiny-rainbow-hot-chips-with-vinegar part – ALL of them are now with the most BEAUTIFUL MEN. IN.THE.WORLD.FULL.STOP. Including me (my goodness including me). And these amazeballs partners have all appeared DIRECTLY AFTER the non-amazeball ones.

Why does this phenomenon occur? I’m so glad you asked…

After your heart has been stomped on a million times, your ‘we will never work out’ radar is switched on, times a trillion. Illuminated. Red. Flashing. Your blinders are off. Your ‘Oh that doesn’t bother me too much’ mindset is gone. You know what you want. You know what you won’t tolerate. You can detect lies, and crap, and potential players with ridiculous sniper style accuracy from.a.mile. You know that “the days are long but the years are short”, so you filter. You filter hard. As a result, you dodge a lot of bullets (i.e. douche men); and thus the next man you spoon with will be exactly who you need. Who you deserve. Because you’ve picked him.

To qualify all of this I spoke to someone with actual credibility – Brisbane Psychologist Lily Amorous, who specialises in interpersonal relationships trauma. Lily calls the process that I’ve described above as a ‘relationship autopsy’; you reflect back on your relationship, and work out what your personal boundaries are.  She recommends EVERYONE go through a relationship autopsy following the end of a relationship, to ensure you don’t repeat the cycle and jump from one bad relationship to another. Thus if you perform a relationship autopsy, especially on a crappy, crappy relationship (which is what my girlfriends and I did unknowingly), you’re less likely to end up with another douche! How awesome!

So, back to my colleague. She’s completely devastated at the moment. Of course she is. Five years is a long time to be with a douche. But she’s kissed him enough now. And soon enough, she’ll be able to see, through those bloodshot and incredibly tired, sweet eyes of hers, that her prince/big spoon is waiting just around the corner. He really is.

Rebecca is a writer, a dog lover, milo lover, and music lover. You can follow her blog here

Have you ever had a bad relationship that led to a really good one?