Wow, I didn’t think those would ever be words I’d be saying – ex-husband. It still feels a little surreal.
You told me you wanted a divorce in a marriage counselling session. Actually, you didn’t tell me. Our counsellor asked each of us if we wanted to keep working on our marriage and I instantly answered yes but I remember your words: “No, I want a divorce”. Those five words crushed my world. Until then I was still holding out hope that our marriage would survive, that we would get through this and we would be a big beautiful happy family.
I have let go of the anger and boy was there was there a lot of anger.
Anger that you had turned into this person I didn’t know anymore.
Anger that when I would look into your eyes I would see a stranger.
The man I married would never leave his family, would never treat his wife the way you treated me. The man I married would stand up and fight and not abandon me 20 weeks pregnant with three other children.
But you were no longer the man I married, you will never again be that person. Now when I see you I see a selfish man who threw away a life and a family who would have done anything to keep him. Then there was the time when you did come back to me, for a brief moment wanting to reconcile and I gave in only to have you again throw it all away a few weeks later because the reality of life with a wife and soon to be four children was all too much.
You missed the birth of your last son, you were there for all the other births and I didn’t think I could do it without you but I did. I had my best friend and our eldest son with me and they were perfect. I didn’t think about you at all.
When you came to the hospital the next day and saw our newborn son I saw you cry like you have never cried before. I didn’t feel sad or sorry that you missed the birth. I had given you so many chances to step up in the lead-up and you didn’t so I had to put measures in place to ensure I wasn’t alone. But in the days after our son’s birth you did step up and I thought, this is it, he is finally going to get his act together and we are going to work through this only to find that you had been lying to me again.