The 12 dinner party rules we had absolutely no idea existed.

Remember the good old days of sitting around on the couch with your friends, sharing a few laughs and a few more pizzas? Yeah, well those days are over, apparently.

According to Tatler, big, fancy dinner parties are making a comeback. But before you dust off your pearls, you should know they come with a few rules. Ridiculous rules, if you want our honest opinion.

“It’s as glamorous as sitting around a table at home gets,” they wrote. Right-o.

Speaking of sitting, you might want to get comfortable for this next part, because they’ve come up with a few buzzkill hoity-toity guidelines for throwing the ultimate dinner party. We can’t decide if this is a dinner party or a trip to North Korea. If this isn’t a surefire way to ruin everybody’s evening, we don’t know what is…

The 12 dinner party rules we had no idea existed

1. You cannot invite anyone via a group message, because you want to surprise everyone with who the other guests are. So, go ahead and invite your best friend and her crappy ex-boyfriend. It’ll be fun! Also, no cancellations, ever. So, if you’ve already RSVP’d yes, well, sucked in.

2. There should be no less than eight people, and definitely no children, otherwise they’ll all be shipped off to boarding school in the Swiss Alps or something. Also, “not all should be friends – too predictable. No spice. And not all should be strangers – too corporate.”

3. Dress up. That means heels with a cocktail dress for the ladies and “some kind of jacket” for the fellas. Obviously. “It heightens everything… pleasingly.”

4. No latecomers. And no one should leave before 11pm, so make sure you barricade the doors and windows so no one can escape. Also, arrivals should be at “8 for 8.30pm, with dinner being served at 8.45. Serving the food later than 9pm is unacceptable.”

The Mamamia Out Loud team call BS on every single one of these dinner party rules. Post continues after. 

5. You should never ask a woman to take off her high heels, even if you have polished floorboards, because “it will ruin her outfit and her night”. Also, you should ostracise anyone who asks what someone’s job is. Those people should definitely be forced to eat outside, separate from the rest of the group.

6. Even though it’s a dinner party, no one really cares what you’ll be eating, just as long as your “staff [aren’t] trembling under the weight of enormous platters”. Thanks for thinking of our butler, guys. That’s very considerate of you. If you are vegan or have a food intolerance, you should eat at home first, because nobody wants to deal with that.

7. When it comes to tables, “round is best for conversation. Long and thin is best for flirting.” Also, men should be on one side of the table and women should be on the other, because we forgot to mention, your dinner party will be taking place in 1889. And, “no big centrepieces”. They’re ghastly.

8. Certain topics of conversation are strictly forbidden, like Barnaby Joyce. And bowel movements.

9. “If you can bear it, let people smoke.” Have fun now and worry about lung cancer later.

10. Remember, “it is appalling to ask women to leave the table and retire to the drawing room”. Also, what’s a drawing room?

11. You’re allowed to make a speech if feel like you really have to, but asking other people to talk is “a tedious and aggressive act that sucks the fun out of the evening”. What, you weren’t having fun?

12. “Absolutely no goodie bags allowed.” None. Don’t even think about it.

We kind of want to throw a dinner party like this just to see how many friends we have left by the end of it. Also, what can be more fun than slowly watching the life evaporate from behind a person’s eyes? But first we’ll need to install a drawing room and hire a butler.

Let us know what you think.