It’s a tough conversation. One of you wants more sex, and the other probably hasn’t realised there was a problem. They’re not interested in more sex, or maybe they’re not interested in sex in general.
But it’s a conversation that needs to happen.
Constantly asking for, or trying for, something the other person doesn’t want to give can be frustrating and rapidly confidence depleting. On the other hand, or trying to give something you’re not interested in giving, can be harrowing and unfulfilling.
That’s why you need to talk about it.
Sure, ‘owning’ differing sex drives can be tough. Admitting you no longer feel interested in sex, or asking your partner for more frequent or experimental sex, can be difficult to do without one of you feeling shamed.
But this shame is for NO REASON.
Two different people, with different bodies and desires, aren’t going to be 100% compatible 100% of the time. For this reason, we’ve put together the key factors to consider when discussing different sex drives with your partner.
Talk about it. Don’t consider it a ‘problem’, and don’t turn it into an argument. It’s normal, and it’s certainly understandable.
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Don’t use blame, and don’t take it personally.
This is number one for a reason, and it goes both ways.
The person wanting more sex should remember their partner’s ‘lack’ of interest might have nothing to do with them – it might be hormones, stress, tiredness, other factors. And, for this reason, blame should have nothing to do with this conversation.
Don’t jump to conclusions “maybe they no longer want me”, and don’t put the entire responsibility onto the other person. Think about what might you be able to do, to make things more exciting.
For the person on the receiving end, it’s just as important to keep things impersonal. Don’t get defensive, or take your partner’s needs as a personal attack on your performance or sex life.
Differences in sexual desire among couples are very common, author and relationship therapist Michele Weiner-Davis told Psychology Today. “Although it is hard to have your advances rejected repeatedly without taking it personally, you need to remind yourself that a partner’s lack of interest in sex just may not be about you, your attractiveness, or your qualities as a human being. Chances are, given the choice, he or she would prefer to feel turned on easily. The situation hurts you, but don’t underestimate how painful it is for your partner.”