As a new mum, you don’t get much sleep. It’s just a fact. Also as a new mum, you will have the mind of a crazy person. Partly because of the sleep factor, partly because you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing… but mostly because you are so damn terrified of everything.
I’m a first-time mum, and there have been many times in the past seven months when I’ve wished for some type of device that could record the absurd thoughts running through my head, especially at night. I do everything from bargaining with a higher power — begging for him to just let the baby sleep a little longer — to contemplating going to the gym before the first feeding, instead of back to sleep.
(I told you… crazy thoughts).
Here's what the inner dialogue of a new mum sounds like on any given night:
9:00 p.m.: "I'm so exhausted. I can't wait to get some sleep."
10:30 p.m.: "The baby is hungry again? Already?!"
11:30 p.m.: "All right, kid, let's speed it up..."
11:35 p.m.: "He's so adorable. I love this time with him."
11:45 p.m.: "That should hold him over for at least a few hours. If I can get some sleep now, tomorrow I can work out, go to the grocery store and go on a nice long walk with the baby."
1:00 a.m.: "Already?!"
2:00 a.m.:: "Sh*t! I fell asleep breastfeeding! Phew -- the baby didn't fall out of my lap."
2:05 a.m.: "Please God, let the baby sleep until morning."
2:45 a.m.: [You hear the baby cough.] "What was that??" [Wait to see if he starts to cry. Nothing.] "What if he's choking? He's not choking. I'd know if he was choking."
2:46 a.m.:: "But I forgot to burp him after he ate last. What if he's spitting up in his sleep and can't make any noises to let me know he's not OK?"