real life

Dear Wendy: I was dumped by text.

When do you text and when do you talk?

Advice columnist Wendy Squires has firm views on both that might seem old-fashioned to younger generations. Then again, she really doesn’t give a stuff.

Dear Wendy,

Last week my best friend told me she was pregnant via a text message, then my boyfriend dumped me the same way. What ever happened to being polite and picking up the phone when something is important?

Talktomedammit, Erskineville

Ah, my dear friend, you must be of a certain vintage like I. I’m afraid society today sees us as fossils, about as redundant as Beta cassette, (you young readers can look it up) or, as my late mother used to say, tits on a bull.

You see, like me, you were likely brought up with manners and strict codes of etiquette. However, I fear these too are something current generations will have to Google as they  have gone the way of melon ballers and romance, rendered quaint but quite unnecessary in these less genteel times.

To answer your question  yes, I do feel your pain and empathise with your disappointment at your recent missives  – but only to a point. Because the fact is, I am resolved to the reality that texts are here to stay as first-call communication, their insidious high-pitched “bings’ now the town criers of old (Note, youngsters, these are not sad men. Best keep that dictionary out.).

More Wendy- Dear Wendy: Who the hell says we want longer lasting sex?

To be honest, your week could have been worse. You could have been one of 100 employees of Hutchinson Ports Australia who received text messages just before midnight Thursday telling them they’re fired. Nice, huh? Real sensitive. And to think once upon a time you were given a gold watch! (It was an actual tradition for bosses to give gold watches to employees upon leaving in the past. I know, totes cool!).

Even Trump would find this harsh (Image: Pinterest).

But back to Talktomedammit’s dilemma. First, your girlfriend and her pregnancy news. Now, this I can relate to as one of my nearest and dearest, who shall remain nameless (hi Mia!), informed me of all her three pregnancies via text. However, I was not upset in the slightest as this is how we have always communicated.

We have a deal that unless we are face to face we don’t speak, we text and email. There are several reasons for this, the main being we like to accumulate conversation topics and then let rip when we are together. It’s a bit like binge watching TV shows, only not. Anyway, it works for us.

However, I realise other female friendships necessitate frequent verbal communication (all a bit early Nineties to me but hey, I’m not judging) and thus, when something of magnitude happens, it is expected to be relayed in this traditional manner. If it is not, it’s deemed rude.  I get it. But I also think in this instance Talktomedammit, you should get over it.

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It is your friend’s big news, she is beside herself with excitement (or terror – hey, I don’t  know!) and she wanted you to tell you pronto. Sure, she could have called but she may have been at work or in company. Let’s not poo on her parade with semantics at this special time. Not to say you can’t make your politeness point in a very subtle and elegant way.

Instead of returning her text, send her a bunch of flowers with a hand-written card (this is what people used to do this in olden times young folk. Nice, huh?)  You set the standard. See if she doesn’t appreciate the thought and contemplate raising the bar a little higher next time herself.

“Send her a bunch of flowers with a hand-written card (this is what people used to do this in olden times young folk. Nice, huh?)”

Now, for your boyfriend dumping you via text. Here, I am not so lenient or understanding. While I will stop short of advising you to rip off his head and defecate down his neck, I do encourage that you get really, really mad. There is no excuse – NONE – to be broken up with in this manner other than he is gutless, classless, immature and unworthy of you.

The big thing to remember is not to reply to his text – EVER – no matter how tipsy you get with your besties or clever your comeback line suddenly seems in that rosy pinot noir glow. Block him and back away from your phone. NOW!

Wait another 48 hours and you will realise he was not worth the effort of a text reply. He is sad and unevolved and will no doubt move on to do the same to some poor other woman who is thankfully not you.

And once you bathed in this golden light of clarity, I suggest you buy a very expensive bottle of champagne, pour yourself and those closest to you a glass and then raise it to the heavens and with your wickedest wink shout, “next!”

Bottoms up! (the saying means glass, not arse…. Oh, I give up.)

Do you have a question for Wendy Squires? She feels like she has been given so much advice in her life, it’s time to throw some back. Email [email protected] with ASK WENDY in your subject line.

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