Hey cheaters, I just want to say: I get it.
When it comes to sex, you just don’t have any control whatsoever.
All those scientific studies highlighting just how often men think about sex are true, and I understand. It’s how your brains are wired. Whenever I get mad about how often men are busted cheating on their loyal partners, I simply use the chocolate analogy (explained in detail below) to get myself back into a sympathetic frame-of-mind.
Take Gavin Rossdale, for example. Gavin Rossdale is the lead singer of a band called Bush that was kind of popular in the nineties; but he was most famous for marrying singer Gwen Stefani whom we love and can do no wrong.
He and Stefani split after 13 years and three children together, Kingston, nine, Zuma, seven, and Apollo, 20 months, because he (allegedly) couldn’t keep his grubby little hands off cute, Australian nanny Mindy Mann. He (allegedly) spent the last three years involved in a torrid affair with her. So foul, so wrong, and entirely no judgement.
It’s also just rumours. It may not be true. Nothing has been proven. He may be innocent of these accusations. They may have just grown apart *cough*, *cheater*!
Here's how I try and make sense of it yet another celebrity husband being busted for cheating:
Say there was a block of chocolate lying unwrapped somewhere in my house, and I know I'm not meant to eat it. However knowing I'm not meant to eat it makes me want to eat it even more. I might be able to resist for a few minutes, maybe even almost an hour, but I'm eventually going to buckle, rush to the room and eat the whole damn thing. That's how I see it with Rossdale. When it comes to sex, men are like women with chocolate. We each have our strengths and weakness, right?
However the part of this whole situation I can't respect is how he was (allegedly) busted. All I can conclude is that he wanted to be caught or that he isn't as smart as he appears, because (allegedly) his loving wife simply stumbled upon sexually explicit messages and naked photos between the pair (the family iPad which was synced to Rossdale's phone). Seriously, if that's not head-slap-worthy, I don't know what is. Apparently this all went down last February and the couple settled on their divorce in August. Stefani has been furiously writing Rossdale-bashing songs ever since. Heal girl, heal. #blakeshelton
Gwen Stefani's latest single Used To Love You is said to be about her lost love for ex-husband Gavin Rossdale. Article continues after video.
So I'm going to perform a community service here, and explain a few things to the cheating men of the world. I'm going to give your some tips for how not to get caught (just so I have some hope that all brain cells don't immediately deactivate when there is "an unwrapped block of chocolate lying in a bed in your home").
5 Ways to Not Get Caught Cheating
1. Do not use technology.
Here's the thing. Technology is pretty advanced and I'll put my hand up and admit that even I don't know the ins and outs of it all. I just use the damn things and if a photo of a naked vagina appears on my screen I'm pretty much thinking, "Naked vagina" not "Maybe I should delete this" except in my case insert a photo of a cute dress as opposed to a vagina and for you, let's keep the vagina. Now, let's assume that you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are definitely a tool of some sort. You may not understand how modern technology works. You're not Bill Gates. Why should you? So listen to me then. DO NOT USE TECHNOLOGY TO CHEAT.
Gavin Rossdale is a pretty bad example seeing as he forgot his phone was synched to the kid's iPad which is pretty disturbing and I think we can all say we're happy he got caught because it gives as an opportunity to learn, doesn't it guys? Nod your heads and say, "Yes it does". Put down the damn phone, okay? But how will you flirt and hook up with your mistress? I recommend carrier pigeons. They're cute little things and if your devoted partner ever notices that you are distracted you can just tell her you're thinking of buying some pigeons and all that time you spend tending to them you can arrange to meet up for sex. Pigeons are also convenient because you can train them to attack paparazzi. Oh, and use cash to pay for things. Paper trail boys.
2. Don't hire attractive help.
Attraction is subjective, I get it, so I highly recommend that you do the hiring. The rule pretty much is this. Don't hire anyone you can remotely imagine having sex with, regardless of gender, age or appearance. Mannies are a good idea, and I also heard that there was an agency being set up called the Ugly Nannies Agency however I'm not sure if they've been able to go ahead due to discrimination laws and all that so just do it discretely. I'm not saying don't have fun. Have fun. Meet and interview all the cute nannies, cleaners and cooks you like, however don't hire the ones you think about having sex with the entire time they are talking, which is why you aren't making much sense during the interview.
A good flag to potential trouble is if your partner is interviewing with you and nudges you at any stage, because you are starring/dribbling/grinning. They love you. They understand you've got the imagination of a monkey in a banana farm who can think of nothing else but eating all those bananas. Your partners love you, as do I. We are only here to help. No attractive help in your home @arnoldshwarzenegger @benaffleck @judelaw @gavinrossdale. If you feel lonely or neglected just spend more time with the kids or get a dog. Dogs love you no matter what. Just one dog though. Don't be greedy.
Before the split, Gavin Rossdale spoke to US Today about how incredible his wife was. Awkward. Article continues after video.
3. Don't get too close to work colleagues.
We've all heard about the concept of "work husbands" and "work wives". They are those work colleagues we get a little too close to due to the long hours we spend together and the resulting intimacy. Look, it happens. You're on the job, being important, having important meetings, eating danish and having important thoughts. You're using phrases like "Let's action that" except you're not talking about a new business strategy but everyone things that you are. "Let's action that". Ha. Ha ha. If there's someone at work you're thinking about a little too much or looking too forward to seeing, I suggest changing jobs, firing them, switching departments or moving them to a new department.
I know Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have worked out and all that, with their big, adorable family and their arty movies loosely based on their lives (By The Sea, Mr & Mrs Smith) but it was a nasty start. Even I needed to shower after reading about that hook up. Plus you don't want to jeopardise your career. Oh, stop laughing. I know you're career will remain in tact while your poor unfortunately work colleague will cop the brunt of the fallout and you'll just enter rehab for a sex addiction and she'll struggle to pick up the pieces of her life. However the public are getting pretty sick of your disgusting behaviour, and I say this with love. We'd love nothing more than to just listen to your music, watch your movies or work with you without having to think about your sordid past and all the places you have put your thingy.
4. Don't shave your balls.
Wait, I'm not saying don't ever shave your balls. Shave them if you must, but don't start doing it suddenly out of nowhere. That's the sort of thing us women, wives and loyal partners call a "flag". If you suddenly shave your balls without a preceding discussion during which you are simply considering shaving your balls, we will immediately, correctly assume that you included a different woman in that process. Same goes for going to the gym without preceding conversations about doctors warning you about your cholesterol. You may start dressing differently, forgetting to pepper conversations with admiring comments about different ways of dressing.
Say you get a spray tan and accidentally blurt out that it's because you want to look good naked. Don't do that. In all fairness you are not privy to how the female brain works. We do know what's going on when you start doing things like this and while we might pretend not to be suspicious, all it takes is a waxed chest and we'll suddenly be looking through your emails, iPad, iPhones and other devices which you think are password protected but we know what your password is because you've used your mother's maiden name again along with the digits "007" because, James Bond.
5. Don't cheat.
This might be a tough one and it does require a great deal of consideration and enlightenment. It's a simple one. It's, don't cheat. Once again, I sympathise. Remember my story about the block chocolate? I do understand. However you have a beautiful family and it's probably best not to crap all over them or you'll lose them. That is unless you don't want to be with your partner anymore and in that case I'd suggest breaking up with them and then both moving on with your lives. That way it's neat, tidy, respectful and not dirty and shameful. Plus if your wife is a singer/songwriter you know she's going to spill her guts and you'll just look like a douche. Gavin Rossdale, he just seemed to have it all, didn't he.
Don't be him. Don't be Gavin Rossdale.