
This post deals with miscarriage. For 24-hour support after pregnancy loss, stillbirth or newborn death, please call Sands Australia on 1300 072 637.
There was a rhythm to my steps. I couldn’t help myself, it was like a terrible ear worm, the worst kind. Every step tapped out the words, “Dead baby, dead baby, dead baby”.
I was supposed to be seven weeks pregnant, but had just found out the child didn’t make it much past six.
And this is where I feel like I was let down by life. That somewhere in my education, in my research, in everything, I had let myself down, my husband down, my family down. That I was a failure who couldn’t science my way out of a black hole.
Mia Freedman talks about feeling lost after miscarriage.
One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and the highest risk is during the first six to twelve weeks. I knew this going in. I thought I was aware. I read the blogs of women who had lost their children, I had watched shows that feature death as a storyline. Having fertility trouble as well, I read everything and thought I knew what was to come.
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My twins died 2 days apart, in their 9th week, and I found out in what should have been their 11th week.
That was in 2006, and I can still hear the sonographer's words in my head as fresh as that day. "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat".
I wasn't given a choice, I was told I could get sick and risk future pregnancy chances if I didn't have a D&C asap. I had it the next day, after spending the night wanting to run away and not let anyone take my babies from me.
The clinical coldness of the words they used was so hurtful. "Product of pregnancy", not babies. "Missed abortion", having my babies taken from me against my will, with the word abortion used, was horrible.
It's been 13yrs and I still think of how they should have been now, and the pain of loss is still there
Hearing "I am sorry, but there is no heartbeat" is something I can never forget. I had a D and C, and was crying when I was waiting to go in. The nurse held my hand, and gave me a tissue. I don't even know her name, but I am so grateful for her small acts of kindness. That was 11 years ago.