The word is sociopath. They are scary, hurtful, handsome, beautiful, kind, caring, destructive, manipulative, over-protective, demeaning and so on. The devil is handsome, they say. Well, sociopaths can be too. They can be well-hidden, living completely normal lives and having normal relationships, at least that you know of. Believe me when I tell you, I’ve crawled on my hands and knees through hell with a few of them. I have the scars to prove it.
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It all begins when we’re young, doesn’t it? When we’re too young to know what love is and the times where respect is limited. Some of us come from divorced parents who skew our outlook on love and relationships and others just want to find the love they see in their homes every day. We fall for the older, handsome boy or the beautiful, popular girl and we think we’ve hit the jackpot.
We think we have found someone, at this ripe, young age, that will love and care for us forever. What a twisted joke in the circle of life, am I right? Adults call us naive at the time and our hurt is just something we face with the age. I don’t think that is true. Not everyone gets tangled up in a downward spiral of an abusive relationship.
Let’s dabble into what a sociopath lives for: Control, is a main thing. They love to feel power and a sense of urgency. They want to make you feel like they are the only one in the world who will ever put up with you, or love you, so that you can’t breathe when they’re not around.
They want to hold your heart and lungs in both hands and squeeze them, just enough to make you believe they are your life line. It’s like they are orchestrating the rhythm of your heart beat. They are the ones who become offenders of domestic violence, the rapists, the offenders of aggravated assault, the attempted suicides and sometimes worse. They want to make everything about them and everything your fault.
The entire world seems to be against them and they’ve done nothing wrong to deserve that. They cheated? It’s because you did something wrong, made them mad, they think you’re cheating or plainly because you didn’t put out. They’ll make you feel sorry for them, so that you will never leave them, because they might kill themselves over it. They want to scream at you, punch the steering wheel of their car and tell you how much they need you and that they aren’t crazy. Manipulation is terrifying.
They want to make you feel like you’re safe. They always want to know who you’re with and what you’re doing, because deep down they are so insecure it’s terrifying. They want to control who you spend your time with, because if they don’t have 100 percent of you, they don’t know how to function. They want to control your whole life, including your money, your time, and your heart. That is what fuels their whole being.
You start to abide by this and only hang out with them, because it’s much easier than hurting and fighting. Sooner or later you’ve lost everyone and now you’re even shutting your phone off, or hiding it in your purse downstairs when you’re at their house. God forbid someone texts you, they’ll spaz, because let’s face it, you’re not giving them enough attention and you’re probably cheating on them. A week later and you’re on a “break,” because you’re a bad girlfriend. Now he’s sleeping with someone else and that’s totally your fault; you made him do it. So now you’re feeling like you can’t breathe. He can’t leave you, how will you live? Squeeze that heart and those lungs a little tighter, sociopathic freak.
There are a lot worse things that can and maybe will happen. You might be manipulated, or even forced to do things you don’t want to do, just to make them happy. You might find yourself crawling into a deep depression, but not believing they are the cause. You might start controlling the only things you have left, like your eating habits, or lack thereof, just to feel like one thing in the world is still yours.
One day, you might even think you’re rid of that person. You might have broken things off and you’ve been intertwined with another sociopath for the last few years, thinking you’re happy than ever! And maybe one day that first demon will come back. They’ll win you over with that amazing smile and you’ll be hooked back up to that IV again. Maybe this time, they’ll hurt you so bad, you’ll never be the same person again. Maybe they’ll take the light from your eyes and make it so dark, you’re not sure if you can go on. Maybe. Sociopaths don’t come with a disclaimer, so you never know.
When you read “abusive relationship” you assume it means physical violence and that surely couldn’t be something you’d ever put up with. Also, you definitely don’t count all the times they punch a wall next to your head or shattered glass across the room; that’s not abuse, right? Let me remind you that physical is not the only type of abuse. Just because they aren’t connecting their fist to your head, arm, stomach, leg, wherever, does not mean you’re not being abused.
Emotionally and mentally abusive relationships are just as bad and sometimes worse than physical ones. Never let another person make you feel like your abuse isn’t as bad as theirs. Sociopaths and their effects come in all different shapes, sizes, genders and packages. They are the monsters, ready to grab your ankles from under your bed. They are the people that unleash the demons in your soul, that you never thought would surface.
They make you happy, make your heart race, give you a sense of safety and love, and then rip it all away in one moment. Back and forth you will fight, to try and clutch onto them with everything you have, because you don’t want to see them go. You cry every single day, but you “love” them, so how can you leave? This is all part of the game. Don’t allow yourself to be a tired, worn-out, injured athlete in the 2016 Abusive Olympics. It’s tiring, draining, and emotionally damaging for everyone who is involved.
A quick word of advice to the readers who may or may not be going through this: get yourself out before it’s too late and you are just a shell of the person you used to be, believe me. It has taken me years to settle with the emotional damage I have gone through and I am still working on it today and every day. Don’t be mad at the friends who try and push you to let go of your relationships, they are just trying to help.
One day they will give up on you though, because there’s only so much a person can say or do to help and they don’t want to watch it happen anymore. Don’t be mad at them for walking away from you, just look at yourself and the choices you are making. So many people are blinded by this skewed “love” and I pray for those people every day. I wouldn’t wish on anyone what I went through, so get help and identify what is happening in your life. It is not love, believe me. It is hell.