An excerpt from Reservoir Dad.
‘I don’t feel like we’ve really connected this week.’ ~ Tania, 10 March, 11.30 pm
‘Hey? Hang on . . . shit, Tyson’s awake.’ ~ Reservoir Dad, 10 March, 11.31 pm
Even before Tyson wakes me again, as usual, at five-thirty, I am startled from sleep by a disturbing realisation: I have not sent one ‘sexy but subtle’ text to Tania this entire week. And just as I accept that horrendous fact I am seized upon by something even more startling: Tania has not yet made a leering comment about an aspect of my physical appearance – her trademark move. The walls move in around me as I fight off a rising panic – we are less than thirty-six hours away from Date Night and I remain sexually un-harassed. I need to turn The Pheromony on.
Tyson wakes and as I collect him from his cot and head downstairs I tell myself that even though there is a reason for the temporary physical and emotional distance between us, there really is no excuse. This week has been full-on furious and fast but for the first time in a long time I know that I have not made the effort to connect with Tania in a manner that makes the marital bed shake with fear.
Corrections need to be made, and they need to be made quickly. I serve up Tyson’s breakfast and begin on Archie’s and Lewis’s lunches for the day, remembering a tweet I received in late 2010 that linked to a study that found upper body movement was the key to dancing in a way that makes you irresistible to women (lower body movement has nothing to do with it), and suddenly I am certain of the path I must take.
Archie and Lewis appear, and ninety minutes of readying them for school and kindergarten + doing dishes + cleaning up spilled food + breaking up fights = time to formulate my plan. I will use my superior cunning, innovative dance skills and a well-chosen 80s classic to reconnect with Tania and prevent Date Night from becoming a passionless sham.
With the boys enjoying their twenty minutes of TV in the lounge room, I complete the final tasks of the morning routine and do some intense static stretches, focussing mostly on the muscles of the upper body – such as the latissimus dorsi and pectoralis major – as these are the areas that will be stressed most by the choreographed routine I have in mind.
I place a CD of recently downloaded 80s dance hits in the kitchen CD player and push play just as Tania appears at the bottom of the stairs, looking hot in her corporate get-up. She smiles coyly and shakes her head a little as the song I have selected begins. It’s ‘Funky Town’ by Lipps Inc. and fits the mood perfectly.
The scene is set, the moment is upon me and even though I feel somewhat limited by the lack of leg movement required to turn women on, I am able to adapt, as always, by using my imagination – there are a dozen underdressed women holding me by the ankles and looking up at me longingly.
Tania moves around me in a nonchalant fashion, preparing her breakfast, but I know she’s watching. My upper body jerks into action. The music overwhelms me and suddenly I have no will of my own. One eye-catching dance move follows another.