real life

ROSIE: How to lose Facebook friends in 12 easy steps

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Are you a little too awesome at Facebook? Has your friend count grown out of control? Are you struggling to find an efficient way to get rid of those excess losers without looking like an insensitive wang? Have you ever faced the awkward mess that is the ‘Facebook Friend Cull’ and thought, “There just HAS to be a better way”?

Guess what? There is.

Introducing ‘Culling Friends on Facebook: The Official Instructional Guide’. Following this system as intended by the manufacturer will result in a guaranteed 10 – 15% reduction in unwanted friends.

Step 1:

Do you feel like you did not get enough attention today? 

Immediately post a vague status that gives just enough away to demonstrate you are sad, but lacks the detail needed to explain anything.

Average Friend Loss: 2 – 3 per offence

Step 2:

Has a website published something on Facebook that you do not consider to be news?

Go to that comment thread immediately and type “THIS IS NOT NEWS.”

Bonus points for “Who cares?” or “Who reads this stuff?”

Average Friend Loss: 1 – 2 per offence

Step 3:

Do you have a crush on someone on Facebook?

Head to that person’s photos and like one from 42 weeks ago.

Average Friend Loss: 1 per offence

Step 4:

Have you eaten something moderately healthy today?

That’s something that everybody really wants to know. Post a photo ASAP.

Average Friend Loss: 1 – 2 per offence

Step 5:

Do you feel like you could solve a major war and/or world crisis?

You need to immediately write a status offering your solutions. How are there still people starving in Uganda when you outlined a plan weeks ago that got THREE LIKES?

#ProblemSolved

Average Friend Loss: 3 – 4 per offence

Step 6:

Have you taken a photo where you look amazing, but your friend looks like crap/has a double chin/generally looks weird?

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Post that photo right now, and tag your friend immediately.

Average Friend Loss: 1 per offence

Step 7:

Is there a Facebook game that you are obsessed with? 

Invite all of your friends to play. All the time. There’s nothing people love more than getting a Facebook notification only to find it’s just you and your damn wheat crop.

Average Friend Loss: 5 – 6 per offence

Step 8:

Have you just seen an incredibly profound quote that basically sums up everything that you, personally, have been thinking about life for a really long time?

Find that shit in meme form and post it immediately. And add a #SoBlessed or #WordsToLiveBy to really drive it home:

Average Friend Loss: 2 – 3 per offence

Step 9:

Did something major just happen on a TV show that you are watching?

Take a screenshot of the gripping moment and put it on Facebook for everyone to see RIGHT NOW. Spoiler alerts are for chumps.

Average Friend Loss: 4 – 5 per offence

Step 10:

Did you go to the doctor today?

Everybody needs to know every detail about that. Status update immediately.

Average Friend Loss: 2 – 3 per offence

Step 11:

Are you currently fighting with your significant other?

That laundry needs to be aired in public. STAT.

Average Friend Loss: 1 – 2 per offence

Step 12:

Do you sometimes come up with hilarious racist observational humour?

Why keep it to yourself? Post it right now. #NotRacistBut…

Average Friend Loss: Hopefully all

So there you have it. 12 easy-to-follow steps that will lead to a guaranteed reduction in your friend count.

You’re welcome.


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