By ROSIE WATERLAND
Are you a little too awesome at Facebook? Has your friend count grown out of control? Are you struggling to find an efficient way to get rid of those excess losers without looking like an insensitive wang? Have you ever faced the awkward mess that is the ‘Facebook Friend Cull’ and thought, “There just HAS to be a better way”?
Guess what? There is.
Introducing ‘Culling Friends on Facebook: The Official Instructional Guide’. Following this system as intended by the manufacturer will result in a guaranteed 10 – 15% reduction in unwanted friends.
Step 1:
Do you feel like you did not get enough attention today?
Immediately post a vague status that gives just enough away to demonstrate you are sad, but lacks the detail needed to explain anything.
Average Friend Loss: 2 – 3 per offence
Step 2:
Has a website published something on Facebook that you do not consider to be news?
Go to that comment thread immediately and type “THIS IS NOT NEWS.”
Bonus points for “Who cares?” or “Who reads this stuff?”
Average Friend Loss: 1 – 2 per offence
Step 3:
Do you have a crush on someone on Facebook?
Head to that person’s photos and like one from 42 weeks ago.
Average Friend Loss: 1 per offence
Step 4:
Have you eaten something moderately healthy today?
That’s something that everybody really wants to know. Post a photo ASAP.
Average Friend Loss: 1 – 2 per offence
Step 5:
Do you feel like you could solve a major war and/or world crisis?
You need to immediately write a status offering your solutions. How are there still people starving in Uganda when you outlined a plan weeks ago that got THREE LIKES?
#ProblemSolvedAverage Friend Loss: 3 – 4 per offence
Step 6:
Have you taken a photo where you look amazing, but your friend looks like crap/has a double chin/generally looks weird?
Top Comments
One of my elderly aunties write "I like this" and frequently finds old pics to like. Can't get angry, though, I'm so impressed she's got the hang of FB! Plus, it's quite cute to see some of those older photos again. What's more, she's started a trend - everybody in the family is doing it so she doesn't feel left out!
I like this, Heidi :)
What about the people who have "decided to post a photo every day" for some lame reason thinking that anybody is remotely interested!
Or post what they ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Every. Freakin. Day!