fashion

"Oh. Apparently Crocs are back in fashion and that's a shame because they're awful."

Trigger warning: Crocs.

There comes a time when we, as a human population, need to talk seriously about the fact that Crocs are a thing that exist and we’re all just getting on with our lives as though that’s not a problem.

And that time is immediately.

Speaking of fashion crimes… Post continues below.

You see, Crocs, a plastic clog that I personally refuse to refer to as a shoe, have made a “billion dollar comeback”. They’re on runways. They’re on the pages of Vogue. They’re back in stores. Justin Bieber is wearing them. Ruby Rose is wearing them. Priyanka Chopra is wearing them and CAN’T ANYBODY SEE THAT THEY LOOK LIKE THEY SMELL BAD? ANYONE?

 

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Over 300 million pairs of Crocs have been sold, which is 600 million individual Crocs, and that might just be the most problematic statistic I’ve ever come across.

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Look. I’m not going to blame Crockers (a name I’ve made up for people who wear Crocs). It’s just that they don’t know. And clearly we need to have a conversation.

Crocs are… how do I put this…

Offensive to all feet everywhere but also to my soul.

On a forum I came across deep on the internet, Ninjaman148 posed the question: “My grandmother bought me a pair of Crocs as a gift and I kind of like them.  However, I’ve been hearing some talk on the internet of how Crocs seem to be for losers? Or something like that? What’s wrong with them?”

Oh, Ninjaman.

He got some very helpful answers, such as “Well. They’re extremely ugly. Like extreeeemely ugly,” which I assumed didn’t actually need to be said out loud.

Don't come anywhere near me I'm actually serious. Image via Instagram.

Crocs are too intense. It feels like they're always yelling "look at me", when everyone wants to spend most of their life forgetting they have feet.

They do not at all resemble the shape of a foot, instead making all who wear them look like bears. They are too square and too wide and too flat. The fact they have holes suggests to me that the foot inside it needs to be aired out, and that's not a message you want to be sending with your footwear.

They make it look like you are either a) taking the bins out at 10pm or b) gardening, neither of which are particularly attractive activities.

Furthermore, Crocs are made of plastic, which is stupid. It makes me feel... sticky. There is too much room for your toes and is only really half a shoe because there is no back.

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People have now taken to wearing socks with their Crocs and it's like, maybe if your shoes didn't have so many holes in them you wouldn't need such thick socks. 

They are a shoe that offers accessories called jibbitz and I don't feel the need to elaborate on that point.

They also have a nonsensical band around the front that serves no purpose whatsoever except to somehow make the shoe look uglier.

Image via Getty.

One of the selling points of Crocs is that they're "dishwasher-safe" which goes to show how desperate they are for any selling points. And as a side note, if anyone put their Crocs near my f*cking dishwasher I would lose it. 

Also, podiatrists hate Crocs. They give you foot fungus, deformed toes, nail problems, corns and calluses.

COOL.

On top of all that, I read deep inside a forum, that wet Crocs squeak. When you walk. And that's not just from water (why are your Crocs so... wet?). They also squeak when your feet get excessively sweaty from being in rubber shoes all day. Maybe it's an evolutionary thing so that we can hear Crockers coming from a distance and prepare ourselves.

There is not one single thing about Crocs that isn't problematic. On the problematic scale, out of 10, I give them 400. In the words of fashion consultant Tim Gunn, "The croc... it looks like a plastic hoof. How can you take that seriously?"

Well, Tim, when 300 million people are wearing them it's no longer a laughing matter.

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