And then there are the rest of us.
But no matter how efficiently you approach the process, there’s no escaping the seven stages of emotional turbulence that come with it.
Stage 1: (Misplaced) enthusiasm.
Oh, the love bubble. There’s champagne and hugging and excited phone calls and more champagne. Maybe even some cake.
When you think about what lies ahead you jump straight to the good bit, which right now is haloed pastiche of all the best movie/TV/celebrity weddings you’ve ever seen or read about. Because no doubt you will be wearing Kate Middleton’s dress, have Keira Knightly’s face and Stevie Wonder will be providing the entertainment.
Enjoy this bubble. Care for it. Treat it like the shiny, delicate, transient thing that it is.
Stage 2: Guilt – Part 1.
The ring has barely started forming a groove in your finger flesh, but already there are folks shining a fluorescent lamp in your face and shouting questions (OK, so maybe it just feels like shouting).
“It’s only been 19 hours,” you respond, wiping sweat from your brow. “So, no, I have not set a date or chosen a venue or picked the bridal party or found a dress or rung Auntie Cheryl yet.”
Stage 3: Shock and denial.
This is generally closely tied to the receiving of the quotes. This means hiring an ASIO code-breaker to decipher the brochures and pricing sheets, and find the inevitable hidden costs. ‘Oh, you want people to be able to sit down? Well, yeah, chairs are obviously extra.’
You then delude yourself into thinking that eating two-minute noodles twice a week and skipping the odd coffee will somehow mean you can afford said costs.
Literally everyone who attempts to soothe you during this stage will utter some variation of: “Once you find the venue, everything will fall into place.” Which is meant to be encouraging, but in your stress-addled mind translates to “This is the most difficult and important decision you will have to make, and you should probably make it now.”
Cake tasting is really the only highlight here.
Stage 4: Pretending everything is under control and running away with your friends.
This, on the other hand, is stage you can really look forward to. It might be a civilised weekend away in wine country, a champagne brunch, or it might be a tiara-wearing, penis-straw sipping, topless-waiter-ogling night on the town.