baby

The five conversations you have with your toddler.

Toddlers are mysterious creatures.

With their chubby hands and lack of ankles, they can often be mistaken for highly complex beings, interested in calculated pursuits like hijacking your technology and strategically interrupting your sleep.

But when it comes down to it, toddlers are very, very simple. In fact, we think that every interaction you have with your toddler can be boiled down to five basic conversations, that take place across a (wide) variety of scenarios.

Below are the five core conversations you have with your toddler:

…Can I have it?

Toddler: Can I have it?

Parent: No.

Toddler: But I really, really want it.

Parent: I know, but unfortunately, you can’t have it.

Toddler: Perhaps you misheard me. I want it, very much please.

Parent: I heard you. But no, you cannot have it.

Toddler: *baffled*

Maybe you give it to me now? Image via A Series of Unfortunate Events/Dreamworks.

Parent: *thinks toddler may have understood*

Toddler: I WANT IT.

Parent: No, do not throw a tantrum. You cannot have it. We've been through this.

Toddler: BUT. I. WANT. IT. NOW. PLEEEASE.

Parent: No.

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Toddler: But I said please. Please mummy.

Parent: Do you want to go to your room?

Toddler: *thrashes* NO NO NO NO NO.

Parent: Right. Go to your room.

Toddler: *screams*

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...But, why?

Parent: Could you pick up your toys, please.

Toddler: ...But, why?

Parent: Because I said so.

Toddler: But...why?

Parent: Because you've made a mess and you need to clean it up.

Toddler: But...why?

Parent: Because mummy said to pick up your toys. Or you won't get to play later.

Toddler: Why?

WHY? Image via Full House/Warner Bros.

Parent: I'm serious. Pick up your toys.

Toddler: *runs away*

Parent: *picks toddler up to make them pick up toys*

Toddler: *screams*

Parent: *picks up toys and regrets everything*

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Eunnnnnghhhhhh

Toddler: Eunnnnnghhhhhh.

Parent: What? What's wrong?

Toddler: *begins to cry* Eunnnnnghhhhhh.

Parent: *picks up toddler*

Toddler: Ahhhneeehhhhhhh.

I'm feeling something but I don't know what/why. Image via Youtube.

Parent: Use your words!

Toddler: NO.

Parent: What's wrong??

Toddler: Eunnnnnghhhhhh.

Parent: What's the matter?

Toddler: *screams*

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Don't hit.

Parent: Don't hit your brother.

Toddler:

*BAM* Image via Youtube.
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Parent: *genuine confusion*

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Where's mummy gone?

Parent: *ducks away for five minutes*

Third party: Hey sweetie, what would you like to do?

Toddler: Where's mummy gone?

Third party: Mummy is having a little break. Would you like to play?

Toddler: ....Where's mummy gone? Where mummy?

She's abandoned me forever, hasn't she?? TELL ME THE TRUTH. Image via Youtube.

Third party: It's okay. Mummy will be back.

Toddler: Where mummy?

Third party: Mummy will be back very soon. But let's find something to do until then.

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Toddler: WHERE'S. MY. MUMMY.

Third party: *picks up toddler*

Toddler: *screams*

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No.

Parent: Time for bed.

Toddler: No.

Parent: Come on. It's bed time.

Toddler: No. No. NO. NO. NO.

Parent: You need to go to bed. It's sleep time now.

Toddler. NO. NO. NO.

This is far more fun than going to bed. Image via Giphy.

Parent: Mummy will be very upset if you don't go to bed right now. You need to go to sleep.

Toddler: NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Parent: Yes. *picks up toddler*

Toddler: *cries* NO. NO. NO. NO.

Parent puts toddler to bed. Toddler refuses to sleep. Wreaks havoc on household. 

Toddler: *through tears* NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Parent: *gives up, questions life*