My daughter is seven.
I taught my daughter that sometimes judgment is more valuable than rules, and that in such cases the rules should be broken. I read somewhere on Quora that a guy would never cross the street against the signal with his kids — until they hit eighteen. I think that’s horrible modelling. It says, “Actually, I was just faking that this thing is bad to do. Now that you’re an adult, I’ll stop faking.”
All adults break rules, and that is intelligent and right sometimes. The reason the signal at the crosswalk exists, as I taught my daughter, is to keep us safe. If there aren’t any damn cars in the entire vicinity, then the signal no longer serves a purpose. You use your judgment, and you cross the street instead of wasting moments of your life obeying a thing that’s for you anyway.
So, yeah. I teach her to judge and assess. I’m not going to pretend following rules is always necessary and then go, “Surprise, I was kidding!” when she turns eighteen.
I informed her that the great majority of adults lie to children on a regular basis. I explained that some of the lies are based on the notion that kids need protection from various issues, others are motivated by thinking it’s okay to lie as long as the lie is super fun (ie Santa), and yet others still are grounded in adults’ fear and confusion in discussing difficult topics with kids.
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As a teacher, I am really concerned about when the author's daughter decides she doesn't need to follow the rules in class. Because we all know that a child's judgement is always going to be superior to that of a teacher. She will become the exception to every rule. No, SHE doesn't have to be quiet when instructions are given and she certainly doesn't have to follow them. Because, you know, rules. Her mum taught her she doesn't always have to follow them.
Hi KH,
I'm the mum who wrote the article.
I do teach my daughter that rules aren't inherently important -- after all, every single one of us knows that sometimes cruel or misguided people make rules. I don't want my child to grow up to inflict cruelty or do terrible wrongs just for the sake of following authority.
Still, I teach my daughter that doing the right thing is important, and I try my best to teach her right from wrong.
If she behaved badly during class, I would not chide her for breaking a rule. I would chide her for making the teacher's job harder and making it harder for other children to learn. Those would be wrong, unkind things to do, and there would be consequences if she chose to harm the teacher and her fellow students in such a way. Not because of rules -- which are sometimes set by good people and sometimes set by bad people -- but because harming others is cruel and thoughtless and selfish and wrong.
That's all well and good, however developmentally children do not have the same judgement and reasoning skills as adults. Rules like where and when to cross the road keep young people safe when the risk centre od their brain is not developed enough to make this judgement & they do not have the level of experience of adults. Just because you would treat an adult differently doesn't mean it's the wrong way to treat a child.
Hi Sarah,
I'm the mum who wrote this article.
I agree that children don't inherently have the capacity for perfect judgment. Or even very good judgment. Or even okay judgment.
That's why I work to help my daughter develop judgment. I believe that, if one wants their child to have a skill, they should help their child practice the skill. Neurological skills develop largely through practice, after all.
No need to worry -- my daughter isn't running about and crossing streets alone. (Though my own parents were let to do that, I myself am not comfortable with it.) I help her learn and practice judgment in my presence.
But I appreciate your comment about the neural abilities of children. They really are interesting. I am not arrogant enough to think I know exactly what's going on in there with kids. I just try my best.