A woman asked fellow mums for feedback on her chosen girl's name. Utter insanity ensued.

I am not a mum. I am nowhere close to being a mum. Yet I find myself frequenting the online forum MumsNet every bloody day.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but watching people argue over “Can you wash your bathroom towels with your kitchen towels?” and “Is my 13-year-old mature enough to babysit?” is scintillating.

Because can you wash your bathroom towels with your kitchen towels? Why have I never asked myself that question before? Doesn’t the washing machine just… zap… all the germs away? Am I going to die because I’ve been doing this all wrong? Are my bathroom towels now covered in an invisible chicken cacciatore dust? And are my tea towels covered in an invisible… skin dust?

Um. Ew.


Today, on my daily trawl through my favourite website, I noticed the top trending post was a little different.

“Opinions on the name Suzanne?” the delightful thread read. “Honest opinions please.”

Oh, and did people bring their honest opinions. Because if there’s ever been a divisive name, it’s Suzanne – the more flamboyant version of Susan, the more chill version of Suzannita (absolutely not a real name, but for the sake of comparison and Suzanne’s confidence, let’s roll with it).

Clearly, ‘EvangelinaK’ is thinking about calling her growing offspring Suzanne. But should she? SHOULD SHE?

So glad you asked. Let me present the responses in order of least ridiculous to most ridiculous.

  1. “Yes!”
  2. “No.”
  3. “It’s lovely!”
  4. “Feels dated.”
  5. “OMG LOVE IT.” – Chill out. It’s just a name.
  6. “I like it. The only Suzanne I’ve known was lovely.” – Nobody cares who you know, though? You’re just a stranger on MumsNet…
  7. “The only Suzanne I knew was a bit of a cow at school so I don’t have positive associations.” – Again, who you know is of very little importance.
  8. “Like crazy eyes from Orange is the New Black?” – No, no, not even a little bit like Crazy Eyes.
  9. “I don’t like it at all, but love Susanna/Susannah/Suzannah” – Oh riiiiiight, THAT’S the more flamboyant version of Suzanne. My apologies. Also, how can you ‘not like it at all’, but love it with the addition of an ‘a’? Your priorities need work.
  10. “How about Violet? That’s a nice name.” – Stick to the topic, please.
  11. “Very dated and not enough to make a come back. It’s in the Michelle, Alison, Angela camp.” – I am deeply personally offended and will be ending this post immediately thank you very much.

What’s your take on the name Suzanne?

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