We are fast approaching the first of January, 2017.
And, you see, this year will be different.
It’s about time we finally did it. Embraced ‘clean eating’.
The prospect has been niggling at the back of our minds for years. Every time we eat a biscuit, or grab a sneaky Diet Coke, or go for a second sausage at a barbecue – we know deep down that we’ve done something very wrong.
We’ve transgressed. We’ve chosen bad over good, we’ve given into temptation like Eve with that stupid apple. But at least an apple is natural as f*ck. When we give into temptation it’s a whole block of chocolate. Now THAT would piss off God.
We've known for some time now that what we eat is responsible for everything that has gone wrong in our lives.
The pimples on our chins. The coldsores. The greasy hair. The unkempt eyebrows. Our weird shaped feet. The procrastination. The holes in our t shirts. The boyfriends who dumped us. The high cost of living. That time our cat died when we were nine.
It could have all been so different.
But, as the philosophers famously say, "New year, new me".
On the first of January - everything will change. We will finally take the advice offered by every attractive person on Instagram. After all, they have the highest qualification the modern world can offer; a great face - and an impossibly toned body.
It begins with us cleaning out our sinful cupboard and fridge. It's a rainy day, which is unusual for the middle of summer. Our dog looks at us in judgement, shaking his head slowly. Gone is the pasta, and the wine, and the chips, and the cereal so heinous we will not even name.
Slowly the rain stops, and the sun emerges.
It's day five.
Given that now we only drink chilled water, our skin has never been clearer. It simply...glows. Who needs a selfie illuminator light contraption when you look like this?
The whites of our eyes shock people. There is no redness or irritation. Once a fairly ordinary pee-green colour, our eyes are now a tranquil blue - like you're looking into the sea.
Speaking of the sea, we're always in it. We don't really live that close to a beach, but somehow it's become closer.
Swimming at the beach is no longer cold or uncomfortable. We simply float like leaves in the wind, like animals that have finally found their true home.
It's day ten.
Suddenly, our sleeping patterns have changed.
"Early bird gets the worm" we giggle...with teeth so impossibly white that Oral B has contacted us to be ambassadors.
We now wake as the sun rises, so in tune are our bodies with the earth.
We sleep an uninterrupted eight hours a night, dreaming of waterfalls and cucumber. We no longer drool. Or wake up covered in sweat for no reason. Or with eye boogers in our eye orifices. We no longer need an alarm. As soon as our eyes open we smile and whisper "...I am thankful for this day..."
We stretch, tussling our hair which has grown inches longer in a matter of days. It's also lighter and thicker, with more shine than a Pantene ad.
It's been a month.
We've lost more kilos than we weigh.
Strangers in the street remark "What's your secret?" and we smile, secretively.
Every day is sunny.
Our leg hair has stopped growing, which is strange. And the weird mole on the side of Clare's face has disappeared. Jessie no longer has crooked bottom teeth...
Our eyelashes have become darker, with a natural curl, to complement our new set of eyes.
We have an impossibly even spread of freckles across our nose and our cheeks, with somehow no hint of sun damage anywhere else. Bizarre.
Oh yes, and we now have a tan, without ever lying in the sun without sunscreen.
People are simply drawn to us, and we've had 17 promotions. After a massive dry spell, Jessie now has men lining up, asking her to accompany them to promotional events where she wears nice dresses etc.
This is the longest Clare has ever gone without getting a coldsore.
We no longer experience a myriad of emotions - only happiness and tranquility. Even though we are forever smiling, we possess no expression lines. We now have complete control over not only our minds, but what happens in our lives.
We haven't worn deodorant in months. Our natural scent is a mix between clean clothes and lavender. People ask what perfume we're wearing. We smirk, knowingly.
We've each grown almost a foot. Which is rare at 25. But the extra nutrients means our bodies are thriving in ways we never could have imagined.
Our cheeks are perpetually rosy, and our lips are fuller and a perfect light pink.
Our tan no longer has anything to do with the sun, because the glow comes from the inside. We don't have to iron our clothes anymore, they're just never creased.
We're both infinitely smarter - our brains have been cleared of all toxins and are functioning at an alarmingly high level.
We're never in a rush. We're always early. We walk slowly and thoughtfully, never running for the bus like the disgusting, sweaty messes we were just a year ago.
Four pairs of Nike running shoes have magically appeared in our wardrobe and they're now all we wear. Of course, we look perfect in active wear. It suits our toned bodies and busy lifestyle.
Sometimes we sit in parks. Meditating.
We're suddenly far more comfortable being naked because it just feels...right. We are the universe and the universe is us and we are nature and nature is our boobs.
We never could have imagined a life like this. We now make a living out of travelling the world telling our story. "We embraced clean eating," we say. "And you can too."
Note: This is not an actual representation of events.