We are fast approaching summer.
And this time it will be different.
It’s about time we finally did it. Embraced ‘clean eating’.
The prospect has been niggling at the back of our minds for years. Every time we eat a biscuit, or grab a sneaky Diet Coke, or go for a second sausage at a barbecue – we know deep down that we’ve done something very wrong.
We’ve transgressed. We’ve chosen bad over good, we’ve given into temptation like Eve with that stupid apple. But at least an apple is natural as f*ck. When we give into temptation it’s a whole block of chocolate. Now THAT would piss off God.
We've known for some time now that what we eat is responsible for everything that has gone wrong in our lives.
The pimples on our chins. The coldsores. The greasy hair. The unkempt eyebrows. Our weird shaped feet. The procrastination. The holes in our t shirts. The boyfriends who dumped us. The high cost of living. That time our cat died when we were nine.
It could have all been so different.
But, as the philosophers famously say, "New year, new me".
On the first of January - everything will change. We will finally take the advice offered by every attractive person on Instagram. After all, they have the highest qualification the modern world can offer; a great face - and an impossibly toned body.
It begins with us cleaning out our sinful cupboard and fridge. It's a rainy day, which is unusual for the middle of summer. Our dog looks at us in judgement, shaking his head slowly. Gone is the pasta, and the wine, and the chips, and the cereal so heinous we will not even name.
Slowly the rain stops, and the sun emerges.
It's day five.
Given that now we only drink chilled water, our skin has never been clearer. It simply...glows. Who needs a selfie illuminator light contraption when you look like this?