For too long, coercive control has been the "invisible" reality of domestic abuse, leaving thousands of Australian women without clear legal recognition of their experiences. While NSW, Queensland and South Australia have now criminalised coercive control, other states and territories are still considering or developing standalone offences. In our new series , Mamamia is unpacking the warning signs, the profound impact, and the legal shifts, finally naming this behaviour for exactly what it is.

To protect the safety of the woman and children involved in this story, some names and details have been changed.

When Jane's* mother remarried many years ago, she believed her new stepfather was simply a "difficult" man, at first.

Opinionated and rude, he was the sort who needed to dominate every conversation and make everything about himself.

Over time, though, Jane began to feel there was more to the situation than just 'difficulty'.

Now in her late 70s, Jane's mother has spent more than 20 years in a marriage that her children allege is characterised by coercive control.

But despite what Jane describes as emotional abuse, surveillance and isolation, her mum doesn't see herself as a victim of domestic violence.

"Mum has always verbally fought back," Jane said. "But because he hasn't hit her, she doesn't recognise it as abuse."

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Explainer | Coersive Control Criminalised

Her mother entered the relationship after a difficult first marriage, looking for stability and security.

At first, the relationship looked stable enough.

But even back then, there were red flags.

"He rang her multiple times a day to see where she was and was not happy if she didn't answer straight away," Jane said.

Over time, the behaviour intensified.

She says he began monitoring his wife's phone calls, removing family members' contact details from her phone after disagreements, and insisting relatives contact him directly.

"He continually removes my sister and my numbers from mum's phone depending on what we have allegedly done to upset him," Jane said.

When Jane called, conversations were often placed on speakerphone.

"I always ring mum's phone and he joins in on the conversation, often talking over her about whatever he thinks is important," Jane said.

As her mum aged and experienced several serious physical injuries and health setbacks, Jane claims the control became even more entrenched.

She says her mother was actively discouraged from properly rehabilitating after her injuries, leaving her increasingly dependent on her husband for everyday tasks.

At medical appointments, Jane says, her mother rarely gets to speak for herself and her independence is compromised.

The alleged control became more entrenched as her mum aged. Image: Canva.

Jane alleges her mother's husband has become increasingly focused on portraying himself publicly as a devoted carer managing an ailing wife. The family believes there hasn't been a formal medical diagnosis for the conditions he claims she has.

At home, she says, the reality is very different.

She claims her mother's opinions are routinely dismissed, and that she is subjected to late-night arguments and persistent emotional manipulation.

"He's gaslit her and generally kept her under siege," Jane said.

Eventually, the couple moved away.

"He had it all organised and then announced it to mum," she said.

Since then, Jane says her mother's world has become even smaller, claiming she no longer drives and has severely restricted independence over her own finances. Contact with family has been reduced to occasional phone calls when her husband is out or when she is briefly alone.

"There is virtually no-one left."

One of the hardest parts to watch, Jane says, has been seeing how much her mother has changed over the years.

"There are hints of mum still left," she said.

"She has a pretty devastating sense of humour, and she's pretty stubborn, but he's really worn her down.

"She struggles making decisions about certain things and often just lets him talk over her, just the path of least resistance."

"Where physical violence is absent, it can be harder to identify behaviours as abusive."

According to Leneen Forde Chair in Child and Family Research, Professor Silke Meyer, stories like this are often overlooked because coercive control in older relationships can easily be mistaken for caregiving.

Professor Meyer says many women from older generations grew up with a much narrower understanding of domestic violence, one focused primarily on physical violence.

"I think young people now have a much better understanding of the broad spectrum of behaviours that constitute domestic and family violence, including coercive control, than previous generations," she said, adding that coercive control often develops slowly and subtly over many years.

"Where physical violence is absent, it can be harder to identify behaviours as abusive."

For older women, the prospect of leaving can be daunting. Women over 55 remain Australia's fastest-growing homeless demographic, with domestic and family violence a major contributing factor.

Listen: Queensland has become the second state to criminalise coercive control, but what does that mean and what about the rest of Australia? Post continues below.

Professor Meyer says long-term coercive control is frequently linked to financial abuse and diminished independence over time.

"Long-term abuse has significant effects on a survivor's sense of self and agency," she said.

Jane says her mother has spent years being conditioned to believe she cannot survive on her own. She also feels shame around the prospect of divorce, particularly at her age and after a second marriage.

Over the years, Jane and her sister have contacted social workers, elder abuse hotlines, safeguarding agencies, police and domestic violence services trying to help their mother.

But despite recognising parts of the behaviour as unhealthy, their mother has never wanted to leave.

"She continues to feel trapped and restricted but is honestly hoping that he passes away first, and then she is free," Jane said.

Professor Meyer says older women can also struggle to navigate support systems because domestic violence campaigns and services are still overwhelmingly geared toward younger women and younger families.

"Our portrayal of victims of domestic and family violence is still very focused on younger women," she said.

"As a result, older women may not see available services as catering for the needs of older women."

For Jane, speaking publicly about her mother's experience was ultimately about trying to help another woman recognise similar patterns in her own relationship.

"This situation has pretty much broken me," she said.

"If she won't help herself, I want to feel like someone could read something, and it might help them."

"I want someone to read mum's story and feel that she made a difference there, that she counts for something and is not a sideshow to his main event."

*Names in this article have been changed for anonymity.

As part of a new series, Mamamia is exploring coercive control — raising awareness of the warning signs, the patterns that often go unnoticed, and the impact they can have on Australian women's lives.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) — the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

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RizeUp Australia is Mamamia's chosen charity partner, a nation-wide organisation that walks with victim-survivors of domestic and family violence to deliver practical, life-changing support. RizeUp supports women and families as they rebuild safety and stability after violence. Donate here to create safe homes and new beginnings.

Feature Image: Getty (Stock image for illustrative purposes).