By LUCY GRANSBURY
Alright, movie-goers. It’s time. Some of you have been pissing me off for years.
It’s time we talk about cinema etiquette. I pay half my wages every week to go the cinema (both indicative of my low income and the high ticket prices), and I’m sick of the carry-on. It’s not all of you. But there’s definitely a few offenders, who sit in the cloaked darkness of the cinema, just waiting to scrunch up a chip packet at the most conspicuous moment. I’m looking at YOU.
Let’s lay down some basic rules. I would’ve thought they’d be obvious, but apparently not.
Because someone fucks it up. Every. Single. Time.
Pay attention, offender.
1. SHUT YOUR PACKETS UP.
Tell your food to use it’s indoor voice. If you have a rustl-y packet, like Red Rock Deli chips or something deplorable, open it BEFORE the movie starts, and insert hands ONLY during noisy bits of the film.And close your mouth. I don’t need to hear your salted vinegar.That had better be a quiet scream.
2. DON’T GIVE ME A RUNNING COMMENTARY.
You are not Margaret or David. I don’t want your opinion. You may whisper quietly to your friend if absolutely necessary, but please refrain from making loud announcements to the audience about the cinematography or mise-en-scene. Unless you actually directed the film, in which case, good work. Now shhh.
3. TURN YOUR BLOODY PHONE OFF.
You are committed to at least 90 minutes of cinematic entertainment. You don’t need to check the time, or your Facebook Newsfeed. If you absolutely must be on it, turn the screen brightness down so you don’t light up next to me like a pinball machine. And if your phone should ring in the middle of a sad scene… so help me God.
4. DON’T ACCIDENTALLY PROD MY ELBOW WITH YOUR DIRTY FOOT.
Feet on floor. Elbows on armrest. Or growl in face.