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These people should not be allowed at the movies. The end.

By LUCY GRANSBURY

Alright, movie-goers. It’s time. Some of you have been pissing me off for years.

It’s time we talk about cinema etiquette. I pay half my wages every week to go the cinema (both indicative of my low income and the high ticket prices), and I’m sick of the carry-on. It’s not all of you. But there’s definitely a few offenders, who sit in the cloaked darkness of the cinema, just waiting to scrunch up a chip packet at the most conspicuous moment. I’m looking at YOU.

Let’s lay down some basic rules. I would’ve thought they’d be obvious, but apparently not.

Because someone fucks it up. Every. Single. Time.

Pay attention, offender.

1. SHUT YOUR PACKETS UP.

Tell your food to use it’s indoor voice. If you have a rustl-y packet, like Red Rock Deli chips or something deplorable, open it BEFORE the movie starts, and insert hands ONLY during noisy bits of the film.And close your mouth. I don’t need to hear your salted vinegar.

That had better be a quiet scream.

2. DON’T GIVE ME A RUNNING COMMENTARY.

You are not Margaret or David. I don’t want your opinion. You may whisper quietly to your friend if absolutely necessary, but please refrain from making loud announcements to the audience about the cinematography or mise-en-scene. Unless you actually directed the film, in which case, good work. Now shhh.

3. TURN YOUR BLOODY PHONE OFF.

You are committed to at least 90 minutes of cinematic entertainment. You don’t need to check the time, or your Facebook Newsfeed. If you absolutely must be on it, turn the screen brightness down so you don’t light up next to me like a pinball machine. And if your phone should ring in the middle of a sad scene… so help me God.

4. DON’T ACCIDENTALLY PROD MY ELBOW WITH YOUR DIRTY FOOT.

Feet on floor. Elbows on armrest. Or growl in face.

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5. DON’T DISTRACT ME WITH YOUR DELICIOUS OR FOUL SMELLING FOOD.

If you bring Maccas into the cinema, I am officially not able to concentrate. I will only be considering stealing a chip. On the other end of the scale, a guy once sat next to me with a tin of tuna and a fork. I told him to keep walking.

Looks delicious. EAT IT AT HOME.

6. IF THE CINEMA IS FULL, SIT IN YOUR ALLOCATED SEAT.

It avoids awkward confusion, and me having to call security to remove you immediately.

7. IF THE CINEMA IS NOT, DON’T SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME WHEN THERE ARE A BILLION OTHER OPTIONS.

Again, will call security.

8. BACKSEAT BANDITS CAN BITE ME.

Teenagers who are pashing and/or mucking around in the back row, prepare to incur my wrath. Have some respect. Not for me, for the celestial silver screen.

I paid to watch them kiss. I did not pay to watch you.

9. KEEP YOUR TONGUES TO YOURSELF.

A sweet little date-night cinema smooch is acceptable. A heavy-handed sex show is NOT.

10. DON’T CLAP AT THE END OF THE FILM.

The director can not hear you. That goes for questions, feedback, and congratulatory messages. Send him a letter. Tweet him. Throw him a carrier pigeon about how much you liked it. But in the cinema… The director. Can not. Hear you. But I can.

So, offenders. Have you got it? Good. Apologies for being so forceful. I probably won’t actually call security or be nearly as threatening as above. But I promise you, if you ever break one of these rules in the dark silence of a cinema, you may feel a piece of popcorn hit you square in the back of the head. That was me.

I know that’s not very etiquettable, but I don’t care.

You started it.

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