IF EVERYONE COULD JUST BE QUIET FOR A MINUTE THAT WOULD BE GREAT BECAUSE I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT CIARRAN.
While everyone has been crying etc. about his premature departure from The Bachelorette on Thursday night due to family reasons, I frankly refuse to panic.
“You’re all idiots,” I keep muttering under my breath.
“Ciarran is simply on hiatus… he’ll be back,” I explain with the confidence of someone who is privy to some sort of exclusive information which I most certainly am not.
WATCH: What Angie’s relationship is like now. Post continues below.
You see, last night, the love of my life Ciarran left the Bachelorette mansion. He received news that his grandmother, who was an enormous part of his upbringing, had passed away.
He cried. Angie cried. I cried. Ciarran had to, understandably, be with his family. But they were also crying because neither were ready for this to be over. “Now I’ll never know if he was the one,” Angie said to the camera, as Ciarran was driven off in a limousine.
Now. We shan’t be having any of that.
Osher simply won’t allow it.
Darling Ciarran will go and be with his family because of course he will.
But then Osher will arrive at Ciarran’s doorstep a few weeks down the track and knock precisely twice. When Ciarran answers, Osher will say nothing, but direct him, firmly but not violently, into a cage. Ciarran will implicitly understand.
He will be transported to a tropical location (Fiji/Bali idk) where the finale is being held.
Then, on the final day, Osher will say, “Angie, there’s someone here to see you,” with a slight smile escaping from the left side of his mouth. As he walks backwards into a bush in order to give them the reunion they deserve, Ciarran, who will be hot and dehydrated from being unnecessarily transported as cargo to an overseas location, will emerge from his cage completely naked with just grapes covering his willy, crying, and Angie will also cry.
“Will Angie choose Ciarran?” Osher’s voice will ask through the dense, somewhat prickly bush.
“The man who left halfway through?”