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"I have a theory about Ciarran so if everyone could just shut up for a minute."


While everyone has been crying etc. about his premature departure from The Bachelorette on Thursday night due to family reasons, I frankly refuse to panic.

“You’re all idiots,” I keep muttering under my breath.

“Ciarran is simply on hiatus… he’ll be back,” I explain with the confidence of someone who is privy to some sort of exclusive information which I most certainly am not.

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You see, last night, the love of my life Ciarran left the Bachelorette mansion. He received news that his grandmother, who was an enormous part of his upbringing, had passed away.

He cried. Angie cried. I cried. Ciarran had to, understandably, be with his family. But they were also crying because neither were ready for this to be over. “Now I’ll never know if he was the one,” Angie said to the camera, as Ciarran was driven off in a limousine.

Now. We shan’t be having any of that.

Osher simply won’t allow it.

Darling Ciarran will go and be with his family because of course he will.

But then Osher will arrive at Ciarran’s doorstep a few weeks down the track and knock precisely twice. When Ciarran answers, Osher will say nothing, but direct him, firmly but not violently, into a cage. Ciarran will implicitly understand.

He will be transported to a tropical location (Fiji/Bali idk) where the finale is being held.

Then, on the final day, Osher will say, “Angie, there’s someone here to see you,” with a slight smile escaping from the left side of his mouth. As he walks backwards into a bush in order to give them the reunion they deserve, Ciarran, who will be hot and dehydrated from being unnecessarily transported as cargo to an overseas location, will emerge from his cage completely naked with just grapes covering his willy, crying, and Angie will also cry.

“Will Angie choose Ciarran?” Osher’s voice will ask through the dense, somewhat prickly bush.

“The man who left halfway through?”


Pause. Osher will then pause.

“Or Carlin/Timm, who she’s come to know more intimately over the last few weeks?”

What. A. F*kn. Finale.

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Now for the evidence. Of which there is (less than) none.

There were those pap pictures that we’re pretty sure revealed the final four, my detractors will say. Featured, were Carlin, Timm, Jackson and Ryan.

Well. That obviously works with my theory because Ciarran is still with his family at this point and has not been rolled out for the final week (idiot).

Ciarran might have also told Mamamia earlier today that he would like to be the Bachelor next year, but isn’t that just the kind of thing a winner would say because it’s confusing etc.?

Some investigative research also reveals that Yvie Jones, the very best friend of Angie Kent, follows Ciarran on Instagram, and he follows her back.


Furthermore. Ciarran is hanging out with Osher’s baby and we’re not exactly sure what that proves but it certainly proves something.

If. I’m. Wrong. Then. Please. Explain. This.


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Wolfie getting a few style tips from Uncle Ciarran #bacheloretteau

A post shared by Osher Günsberg (@osher_gunsberg) on

I rest my case.