By: Gara Hoke Lacy, Esq. for Divorced Moms.
The holidays conjure up picture perfect Normal Rockwell images complete with laughing children, large feasts, and merriness galore. However, holidays can be one of the most chaotic issues for stepfamilies.
What was perhaps at one time an enjoyable and relaxing family time is now that time of year fraught with anxiety and false expectations. Travel plans are up in the air. Parents must switch their custodial patterns. Finances are tight.
Yet, holidays need not suffer our all-encompassing time and grief to stave off the upcoming battles. Instead, start with these tips for step-family holiday success.
1. Lower expectations:
Daily life comes with stress and strife. Why do we expect anything different from holidays? It seems every year we continue to romanticise the holidays and insist that this year will live up to the pre-conceived images portrayed by the media. Don’t buy into it. Families are not perfect and, therefore, cannot be expected to satisfy the standards we set for them.
Just as we learn to manage daily stresses with planning, we can do the same with holiday stresses. Don’t overdo it. Live within your abilities. Determine what is important to you. I have been known to prepare quiche early on Christmas morning then turn around and prepare dinner for 30 that afternoon. My family is just as happy to eat store-bought cinnamon rolls and save their appetites for the afternoon feast, which now merely includes hearty soups and heavy appetisers for 30. Lesson learned!
These days my plans include sleeping in on Christmas morning so that I can relax and enjoy Christmas too instead of attempting to fulfill expectations that only existed in my mind.
2. Practice the art of cooperation:
Custodial arrangements and overspending on gifts are often major areas for discord during the holidays. Coordination with the other home is paramount. Truly. It’s important to listen to the children. Don’t become fixated on days and times. After all, Christmas Day is not the only day during which we can be thankful! The point of the holiday is the opportunity to spend time with family and friends, enjoying one another and embracing a shared experience. Holidays are not celebrations when they are combative and angst-ridden. Fight your battles another day. For today, put your residual feelings aside and put the children first.
In addition, apprehension over family finances during this time of year is not unusual. Child support commitments in addition to family gift-giving can impair many families’ finances. Be wary of the desire to compete with the other household. Teaching the children the importance of the holiday at hand takes precedence over the desire to out-do the other household. Consider it an opportunity to practice the adage, “Your children need your presence more than your presents.” After all, parenting is not a popularity contest. Therefore, attempt to collaborate with the other household instead of compete.
3. Include old traditions:
When children are faced with the formulation of a new family unit, they often feel incomplete. While they may be glad to be enjoying time with dad, they are missing time with mum. By incorporating some of their biological family traditions into your own holiday, you will be able to assure them that you recognise that they miss their other parent and the family that was left behind.