Sorry, but we know what you will NOT be doing tonight.


When you’re engaging in that classic Christmas Eve activity of joining the end of a 13-kilometre queue snaking around the raided innards of Coles, it’s easy to think that other people might be having a better time than you.

It’s possible. The queue in Woolworths could be shorter.

Because for all Christmas Eve’s potential for relaxation, it tends to be a prequel of Christmas Day’s stress levels without the good bit (the presents, and the family going home). And if there’s one specific place where Christmas does not come 24 hours early, it’s the bedroom.

You see, it seems Christmas Eve is actually the most sexless day of the year.


 Santa will probably not be pulling his “sleigh” in (to you). And that “chimney pipe” will see no action at all. Not even in front of a computer. Australians are too tired even for porn, with the nation’s naughty viewing figures dropping 33% on Christmas Eve (the second biggest drop in the world, according to PornHub – a YouTube for porn).

We could blame Jesus. We could blame Coles. (Actually, we do kind of blame Coles).

But while you’re in that queue – which now should only be 12.8km long – here are three interesting reasons to think that your sex life might get waaay more interesting in 2015. You know, while you’re staring at the phallic vegetables in your trolley:

1. It’s only 50 days until 50 Shades gets released.



Of course you slated the book, but it didn’t stop you devouring it during every waking minute and researching the sequels. Besides, the film has Jamie Dornan in it. Sadly, it probably won’t be as filthy. But it has Jamie Dornan in it. No, we haven’t heard any reviews and it very likely could be terrible. But, as we’ve mentioned, it has… (OK, you’ve got it).

2.It’s six weeks until the first wearable vibrator comes out. 

The Eva.

Cock rings have been around for a while, but consider this an upgrade. The Eva vibrator is the co-product of a psychologist and an engineer, who combined skills to produce a female-focused toy with rubber ‘wings’ that tuck under your labia majora so you don’t have to hold it or reposition it during sex. It began as a US crowd-funder with a $50,000 target; it currently has $575,000 and will come out in February. Find out more about it here.

3. It’s a matter of months until virtual-reality sex is a thing.
The tech-sex revolution began in November with the launch of the Google Glass app Glance, which lets you record what you see during sex (or solo performances) and share your mini-movie with others. But that’s tame in comparison to the Oculus Rift. It’s a virtual reality headset – this time bought by Facebook – that lets you fully immerse yourself in video games. Yes, including ‘adult’ ones. Yes, for that. Yes, you can feel that. Terrifying.