weddings

The bride who told her closest friend she was too fat to be her bridesmaid.

This week, on advice podcast Dear Prudence produced by Slate, Mallory Ortberg read out loud a letter that left her asking, “What the actual hell?”

The letter read;

I’ve been best friends with Jane since we were in middle school. Jane got married a few months ago and told me she was only planning on having her sisters in her wedding party. I was hurt, since she was in my wedding, but I understood her desire to keep the party small. Well, on her wedding day I discovered she actually had four bridesmaids, her sisters and two of her college friends. I didn’t want to ruin her day, so I didn’t say anything about it at the time.

About a month later, she texted me to get together and I told her I was hurt by my exclusion from the wedding party and asked if I had done something to upset her. She then admitted she hadn’t asked me because I’m overweight and she thought I wouldn’t look good in the bridesmaid dress she had selected. I had no idea what to say to this, and told her I felt hurt and didn’t think I could see her again any time soon. 

Image via Getty.

I'm not so sure what to do. I feel pretty devastated about this, especially since my weight has always been an issue for me and I thought Jane understood.

Jane told me she was sorry but I don't know if I can get over this. At the same time I don't know if I should throw away a nearly 20 year friendship.

What should I do?

Holy. Sh*t.

WHO chooses their bridesmaids based on how much they weigh? And how they will look in the dress you've (already... ?) picked out? What kind of logic is that?

LISTEN: Mia Freedman, Monique Bowley and I discuss the horrifying letter on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below. 

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Ortberg called Jane "cruel and cowardly," and said, "I can't imagine having the kind of mindset where you think 'I want my wedding day to reflect my thinnest friendships'. How is that a value of yours?"

"What that says about her values as a person and the way she sees other people as having value... It's bad," she said.

'Bad' sounds like a rather significant understatement.

What is it about weddings that makes us want to shove four entirely different bodied woman into identical dresses? Like they're nuns? Or goddamn handmaids?

And here's the real kicker: Often the dress selected manages to look good on precisely none of them. 

Is there anything more political than bridesmaid dress shopping? Image via Universal.

The women you choose to have in your bridal party are not ornaments, or vectors to compliment you in your wedding photos. They're human beings, who nine times out of ten, do NOT want to wear strapless.

If weight, or indeed any part of someone's appearance is an 'issue' within a friendship, then that's no friendship at all.

There is no obligation to have bridesmaids, just as there is no obligation to get married in order to legitimise your relationship, but if you do so decide, then surely it's a good rule of thumb to put human beings before aesthetics.

As Maya Angelo famously said (and I have no doubt she was referring to bridal parties when she said it), "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time."

And Jane, unfortunately, is the actual worst.

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. 

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