An open letter to the parents sending their child to preschool for the first time.

To every parent, soon to be sending their tiny human to preschool.     

I hear you, I see you, I support you... and I want you to know some things.

Before my husband Neil and I had children, the concept of childcare was like a fairy tale. So many of our friends had told us how wonderful their experiences had been with childcare and preschool over the years, particularly with KU Children's Services (a large not-for-profit provider of early childhood education across the eastern seaboard of Australia).

They told us their funny and heartwarming stories of what the children got up to, the creations they'd proudly come home with, how supportive the staff were, and all the valuable things their children were learning and developing from going to their local KU centre.

I thought, that's brilliant. Sounds like the fit for us down the track when we enter that phase too.

This was the narrative that existed in my head: you have children, you both eventually go back to your respective jobs, your little love goes to childcare, they have the best time, make new friends, learn a ton of things and eat the rainbow. You hang out with different parents from childcare on the weekends at playgrounds, new friendships are formed, lots of wines are had, and the world is a beautiful place. 

Rewind to around 3 years ago and let me tell you, we weren't prepared for the emotional ride coming our way. 

When Nia, our eldest daughter, was almost 4 months old, it was due to a number of circumstances that I had to go back to work. Neil, with open arms, put his career on pause, and was the full-time stay at home dad for our family.

So when Nia was about 14 months old, Neil was ready to return to the workforce too. 

With our 14-month-old now needing to be cared for throughout the weekdays while Neil and I were earning a living, this fairy tale we had in our heads was about to become a reality: childcare for our littlest love.

We were excited to enter this new chapter, and comforted to send Nia to a place that comes so highly recommended. 

The reality of how we would cope was far from what I'd initially hoped.

Neil and I pretty much cried for the first two weeks after dropping Nia off. 

Nia’s scared little face and the crying as we turned our backs to her and headed towards the door to leave still gives me chills. It was horrendous. 

I remember sitting in my car looking at photos of her, and crying like I’ve never cried before. Crying for the loss of my ‘baby’ who had now somewhat spread her wings.

But also crying from the guilt of leaving her with strangers who had no idea how she likes to be held. 

Both Neil and I genuinely considered how life would work if only one of us worked, and if the other stayed at home and raised Nia so we didn't need to use childcare anymore. 

We considered and conversed about every single option that could keep Nia at home. The guilt. How do I even describe the guilt? 

Questioning myself was relentless. 

Why had we chosen to become parents only to drop her off with strangers for several hours a day? What could she possibly learn that we couldn’t teach her? Was having a job really that important? Is money honestly worth more than having to spend time with your own child? Why do I feel like I’ve abandoned my child? Is her crying and not wanting to unlatch her arms from us a sign that this place isn’t for her? Why do people rave on about how good childcare is? 

My child was not cut out for this, and neither were we. We’d spend our work days counting down the minutes to be back at that centre, and having her in our arms again. And then we would cry just holding her at the end of each day after picking her up.

It was emotionally exhausting. Carrying all that guilt day in, day out wears you down. 

I could keep going on and on about the thoughts we both had for every minute we were away from Nia those first few weeks.

Bare with me, parents.

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I don’t think anyone or anything can really prepare you for what you'll be feeling the first few weeks of preschool or childcare. 

We actually truly had no idea how hard this was going to be. We had heard such beautiful experiences from other friends whose children were in care, and we were by far nowhere at all near that. 

Two full months it took for Nia to stop crying at drop off. And it wasn’t little cries; it was those loud, hyperventilating cries. It would take her an hour after we left to be OK. But then the cries would start again, the preschool staff would tell us. 

I remember calling every lunchtime for the first 3 weeks to see how the morning went. One day, I got the first call instead. 

That first time your phone rings with your preschool centre's name appearing on screen, no words will prepare you for that phone call. My knees turned to jelly, I grabbed my keys and handbag, and I’ve got one foot out of my office door, reacting even before I even pick up this call. 

My head is automatically jumping to Nia having must have hurt herself, and mentally calculating how long it would take me or Neil to get to her the quickest. 

Everything was OK. A little friend of Nia’s had accidentally scratched her face while they were playing, and it was just a courtesy call to let us know. 

Relief.

The adjustment needed in this period is not only for your child, it’s also for you. This quote by E.L James my husband would say truly helped us through the journey into childcare – “We have to learn to walk before we can run." How true for us. 

We were expecting rainbows and butterflies from day one, but equally forgetting that for the last 14 months, all Nia knew was Neil and I. 

How could we automatically expect that she would be OK in a completely new surrounding which was not her home, with so many new faces which were not her parents? 

Sure, we knew there was definitely going to be an element of teething with this change, but the adjustment wasn’t just physical, it was emotional – and so many layers for all 3 of us.

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So I want to remind parents: hang in there mummas and papas. 

If your child (and yourselves) are entering into this phase, or in the midst of finding your way through it right now, I promise you'll get to the other side. 

After you all find your own rhythm, and you get used to one of parenthood's first instance of letting go, that’s when you start to see the gates into that fairy tale you had put in your back pocket. 

Despite all of our initial worries, trepidation, doubts and tears, we started to see the silver linings in Nia.

It's thanks to centres, like KU, we see how amazing the experience can be for our family.

I remember getting daily updates with pictures of Nia playing with her little friends, and her beaming face shining through in them. Hearing about what food the centre's chef had prepared for them that day, how much she had eaten at lunchtime, and all the adventures they got up to during the day. 

This brought me comfort to know that she's experiencing, she's absorbing and she's learning; little by little. The variety of food this child was getting exposed to on a daily basis alone was something we were so proud of. 

Having Nia at home full-time, and trying to be adventurous with different recipes, it takes time. And we all know, time is a luxury, full stop.

I am so grateful we persevered and continued to send Nia to childcare.

With time, Nia found her own feet, her own identity that wasn’t shadowed by us, and her own voice.

Everything about her was sprinkled with even more eagerness and curiosity since she started attending. And we loved seeing that over time, her sense of self was growing stronger as she was starting to show more cues on 'speaking' her mind, and picking up SO many more words each day she spent there.

Nia was like sponge – so eager to learn about the world around her. Of course there are things we teach her, but the amount of things these little loves learn from interactive experiences and from caring educators like those at KU, there is no way Neil and I could have taught her in such a short period of time. 

I love how inclusive their thinking becomes too, and the importance of accepting differences within ourselves, and our friends.

At the ripe old age of one-and-a-half, she had actual friends! We were overjoyed. We even made some parent friends with children of similar ages, which was a really lovely bonus too.

We naturally caught up at playgrounds, spoke about how much our children were absorbing and learning, how quickly they were growing up and also how good it felt to be at this stage in our lives. 

Finally – that rainbow we were desperately wanting to see, it came.

Childcare has been the greatest decision we made for Nia. We really see that these early years of education build the foundation for a love of lifelong learning, and that couldn't be more true for Nia.

In about 4 month's time too, we start this process all over again with our youngest son Noa, who will be starting there for the first time. 

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Are we looking forward to seeing less of his face in the working week? Absolutely not. Are we going to feel like the world’s worst parents again? No. Not this time. 

We know what to expect now, and also that it’s going to be okay. We know that Noa's sense of self, and self of belonging will start to grow, just like Nia's did, and how formative this can be before their next big transition in learning at school.

So from one parent to another, I want to give you the reassurance to feel as though you can trust the process without being disappointed on the other side of it all. 

You'll get there in time, I promise.

With love, Nilu. 

Feature Image: Supplied / Instagram @melbourne.escapades