kids

8 parents told us all their most chaotic moments with their little ones and now we feel bad for laughing.

Bonds Baby Cover
Thanks to our brand partner, Bonds Baby Cover

Whenever I'm with other parents, the incredibly chaotic parenting moments and disaster stories that are shared between us make us laugh so hard we have tears in our eyes.         

And sometimes... my jaw drops. 

That's where Bonds Baby Cover can soften the blow. Now, it's not an actual insurance policy (just a very fun name!), but a new loyalty program here for new and expecting parents.

'Cos boy, don't we all need it, particularly in that first year of parenthood.

Bonds knows being a parent can be a testing task for any newbie, where any help to ease the whirlwind of nurturing new life in the first 12 months is welcomed with outstretched arms.

Bonds Baby Cover is free to sign up to, where parents can “make a claim” (submit their chaotic parenting stories involving their little ones) and receive member benefits and discounts on Bonds for 12 months (duration of your “policy”!). Did we mention there's a complimentary Bonds baby product involved when you make your next online purchase?

Bonds Baby Cover basically wants to reward new parents year-round for whatever unsuspecting surprises the little ones bring. Think natural disasters (explosions of your kids' bodily fluids that you never thought you'd be dealing with in your wildest dreams); vandalism (wilful damage caused by crayons, mushed food, makeup, finger-painting); and accidental damage (well, accidental-probably-on-purpose damage caused by your kids, like broken family heirlooms and keepsakes. This is exactly why we can't have nice things!).

Parents who sign up to the loyalty program can access a whole bunch of benefits: 10-30 per cent off all year round, discounts on new Wondersleep range (approved by Red Nose for safe sleep), free shipping, VIP (Very Important Parent) early access to new launches.

And of course, your free Bonds product – but you might even be the more deserving of the gift for getting through the first year of parenthood, no?

To celebrate the launch of the Bonds Baby Cover 'poo-licy', I asked the other new parents in my circle: what are your most chaotic parenting stories? The tales that are now seared into your brain and earmarked to bring up at your child's 18th, 21st and milestone events thereafter?

Here's my own first, and 7 more stories from other parents. Strap in for some storytelling.

Noa.

Both my kids, Nia and Noa, are obsessed with telephones. As in, the old school landline ones we all used to have at home growing up decades ago. Whenever we stay in hotels, the first thing they both do after they walk into the hotel room, is beeline straight to the phones. They pick it up, babble into the receiver, hang up, and repeat. We usually pull out the cord because they call reception so often!

ADVERTISEMENT

My kids, Nia and Noa. Image: Supplied.

Noa was once putting the hotel phone... into the microwave. He was seconds from closing the door and quite possibly blowing up the appliance (and more). Mortifying.

Image: Supplied.

Ben.

My son Ben was being cheeky, and saying to my wife saying “poo poo”. We were distracted by the excellent development of him picking up new words... that we seemed to have missed the waving fingers near our faces. 

ADVERTISEMENT

Yes, folks. His fingers had poo poo on them.

This most definitely ticks the Natural Disasters box on Bonds' Baby Cover list! We should be thankful it didn't end up in poo-splosion territory, where property damage would be a concern!

Image: Supplied.

Aria.

For me, the chaos started at four weeks when my little one was covered in pimples/red rashes and cradle cap from head to toe. As a first-time mum this was all too overwhelming!

YouTube become my saving grace, I watched countless videos on mothers recommending special lotions for getting rid of 'baby acne' and eczema quick, and this resulted in my daily ritual of going to the chemist to buy yet another potion or lotion. Many hundreds of dollars later, feeling defeated because even my $70 cream from America that was guaranteed to work, didn’t, I became more and more helpless each time I looked at my little one's bright red face and orange crust eyebrows.  

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

So what happened to the rashes and pimples? I eased up on the lotions and potions and decided that it must be something in my own food intake that were triggering these rashes in her via breastfeeding. After a lot of trial and error, waking up to more rashes, the SLIMIEST of bowel movements or swollen eyes, the new parent Da Vinci Code was cracked and it seemed like dairy was the culprit. 

Sweet relief, my little Aria is on the mend and her skin is glowing.  

Parenthood is honestly a daily worry and you’re always wondering, “what’s problem do we have to solve next?!” 

Shannen.

We were moving houses and were on a tight budget, so I decided to scrub the entire house clean, from the floors to the walls, while I was still living there with my husband and four daughters. I was keeping them out of each room and as I neared completion, my youngest daughter was determined to show me her latest artwork... oh dear. Her 'artwork' involved using paint as glue to stick post-it notes to the walls. 

To say I lost my s**t would be an understatement!

Delilah.

We never like to use sweeping statements here. But. The Terrible Twos is a wicked misnomer that ambushes unsuspecting parents at the worst possible moment. 

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

We took our miss to Sydney's QVB. In hindsight, it was naïve on my part, but we walked into a very fancy toy shop with the express purpose of buying a tin tea set for her. The moment she toddled in, she made a beeline for a stuffed wombat that was roughly the same size as her. She picked it up, hugged it muttering "Yeah, yeah..." to herself, like it was a done deal, then made her move for the exit. 

Blocking her, I got down on one knee and – like 'all the books' say – calmly but firmly explained we would not be taking the wombat home with us today. I gently prised it from her hands and put it out of reach. 

I probably don't need to explain what happened next, but it was like my sweet, soft-curled, chubby-cheeked cherub devolved instantly into something from The Exorcist.

We hurriedly exited the store but she went beast mode there at the entry. I am talking full-blown, red-face, kicking, screeching horror-fest that the shocked patrons had to step around. Her screams echoed across every floor, reverberated off the plush window displays of the QVB and all we could do was wait, mortified, for it to pass. 

Such fun.

Finn.

I will never forget when I was in rush for a work gig one day, I was hurriedly cleaning the house and loading the dirty dishes. Coffee is my ultimate saviour in the morning, especially now when I am the mother of a busy toddler. But drinking a coffee hot is such a rarity these days. The microwave is my new best friend. 

I definitely needed a double shot this morning so I had prepared a stovetop coffee with my favourite beans and poured it into my favourite ceramic coffee mug. But before the warm coffee even hit my lips, the cup literally slipped between my fingers and smashed into smithereens on the floor. 

My little one Finn immediately started giggling and then proceeded to pick up my water glass and throw it on the floor too. So now I had not one but two glasses to clean up. 

I had to go and silently scream in the other room to get my levels of stress back to calm. Oh, the joys of parenthood!

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

Kendi.

This is a Vandalism claim for the Bonds Baby Cover program at its FINEST! I was starting a new role and decided to buy myself an entire new line of make-up to treat myself. I went really high end, and splurged on items that were super expensive, but the perfect boost in my post-baby body confidence era. I had a huge meeting in the morning with my new team and wanted to look and feel my best. I tossed all of my old makeup and spent hours in Mecca, searching for treasures and spending like it was Disneyland. 

The next morning, in the midst of my mini-makeover, my phone rang. It was my new boss, so retreated to a quiet room and closed the door to drown the sounds of Sesame Street

I emerged 15 mins later to my worst nightmare. 

The bottom third of my bathroom mirror was covered in my new makeup. My daughter thought the palettes closely resembled her water colours and used my new brushes, mixed with water of course, to paint the mirror, and herself. 

I was floored. How could so much damage be done in such a short amount of time? I needed to leave the house in 45 mins and not a single item was salvageable.  

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

Poppy and Layla.

On our third wedding anniversary we put our twins to bed and cooked a nice dinner. Some good steaks, a bottle of red wine, all the trimmings for a romantic night in. 

Just as we sat down to eat, I realised I could still hear the girls chattering away and decided to go in and tell them to go to sleep. The first thing I noticed was that they were both butt-naked. 

“Look Mummy!!” 

Image: Supplied.

One of them called out, holding out a hand where she was holding quite the handful. “I did a poo in my cot!” 

“Me too! Me too!” my other daughter chimed in. The joy and pride in their voices! Our dinner sat cold, whilst we tag-teamed. 

Poo was everywhere: in their hair, all over their cots, the bedroom wall. They now sleep with child-safe sleeping bags that are zipped on back to front AND inside out, so we don’t have a repeat experience. Safe to say, we earned our glass of wine!

Feature Image: Supplied/Mamamia. 

Bonds Baby Cover
Bonds Baby Cover is a loyalty program for new parents. Simply sign up at Bonds.com.au/baby-cover to make a claim and receive a free product with your next online purchase.