What it actually, really takes to get a "movie-star body".

The rise of the body-as-fashion?

Following this year’s Met Gala, with its profusion of naked dresses – think Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez – US site The Cut pronounced that the age of the “couture body” is upon us.

“We’ve officially entered a realm that you might call post-fashion. The body is the new outfit,” wrote Veronique Hyland.

And what a body.

Beyonce at the Met Gala: She has a vegan chef – but it’s not an ethical stance, it’s a body-conscious one.

Where once dresses were craftily designed to cinch, hide, accentuate or smooth, they’re now designed for maximum exposure – all the better to reveal all those hours in the gym, and all those activated almonds.

And just as regular folks can’t afford the average Narciso Rodriguez red carpet frock, the red-carpet body is equally unaffordable.

At their beck and call celebrities have personal trainers, nutritionists, chefs and a whole health-food store worth of organic, probiotic, all-natural groceries.

Jennifer Lopez’s red-carpet body is the product of a lot of hard work.

Oh, and if you can’t get it naturally? You can pay for perfectly shaped butt or boobs, or liposculpture on any part of your body that’s not quite “right”.

Today’s models and movie stars maintain the health and fitness regimen of elite athletes.

Kim Kardashian is seen in work-out wear almost as often as she’s seen in couture.

Gwyneth Paltrow works out for two hours a day, six days a week. She “would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin” and frequently makes pronouncements on how easy it is to be thin and healthy with the self-described “butt of a 22-year-old stripper” while simultaneously recommending $10 jars of probiotic honey, duck eggs, kale juice and many, many limes.

Gwyneth Paltrow works out for two hours six days a week and won’t ever eat cheese from a can, thank you very much.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen, mother of two, completes an hour of yoga every morning, 90 minutes of kung fu three times a week a week, regular Tracy Anderson classes and frequent running.

Madonna’s notoriously punishing exercise regimen and sinewy arms have resulted in a chain of her own Hard Candy gyms.

Fitness experts such as Tracy Anderson are gurus, their instructions followed with unswerving dedication by their celebrity devotees.

Tracy Anderson is the fitness guru with slavering devotees including Gwyn, Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, Taylor Swift and Victoria Beckham.

Sculpted arms, muscular bums, taut stomachs and lithe, toned silhouettes are de rigeur on red carpets, and they don’t come easy.


They’re the ultimate status symbol.

We don’t see Instagram feeds full of expensive cars, Michelin-starred restaurant meals or glittering diamonds. What we see is toned, muscled bodies, shame-inducing green juices and gym selfies with celebrity trainers.

Jessica Alba and trainer.

Trainer John Ligas has described his taut client Cameron Diaz, 41, as being like “a professional athlete” compared to the average fit and healthy civilian.

Think of Sandra Bullock, whose body looks younger and leaner than when she was in her 20s, or Robin Wright, 48, whose figure is that of a willowy teenager.

Celebrities never tire of showing off how hard they’re working at the gym: (Post continues after gallery)

In an interview last year with People, Wright said she had to wear Spanx “all the time” to “hold the bakery in” and said she was trying to lose weight.

Shameless fatty Robin Wright. Note firm side-boob and exposed ribs and much younger boyfriend.

“I’m trying to do the paleo diet.” she explained. “No carbs. I’ve got to get thin for the show,” she told People magazine.

“There is a big perception that a lot of models and actresses starve themselves, or they have special chefs 24-seven,” nutritionist Haçer Bozkurt, who advises Elle Macpherson, 50, and Connie Britton, 47, told US Vogue. “But that’s not always the case. These are highly motivated people. Their job is to look incredible.”

Supermodel Bar Rafaeli after an exhausting session. Image via Instagram.

He recommended that women try to eat six to 13 serves of vegetables every day.

All this is somewhat disheartening – first, that all women in Hollywood have to spend their every spare second working out and can never eat cakes, just to keep working. And secondly, that no matter how fit and healthy we are, most of us do not have the time or resources to get the couture body because it’s almost humanly impossible.

Tina Fey summed it up in her memoir Bossypants:

Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

But you know what’s heartening? THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THAT! And neither should they.

Take it away, Amy Schumer,

Are you comforted or depressed by just how unattainable the “couture body” is to attain?

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