When it comes to figuring out men, it sometimes pays to skip the girl talk and head straight to the source. This column is my advice on your most burning questions about guys. And since I’m gay, I’m kind of halfway inside your head already. Let’s dive in!

This week, you asked:

“My fiancé has never been able to make me orgasm. I find him really attractive and think our sex is good but I just don’t… get there. He doesn’t seem bothered at all, which worries me. I’m just scared that if I tell him, he’ll be really embarrassed. What should I do?”

I love this question.

Not because you’re struggling – that’s obviously a bummer – but you’re admitting that there’s a problem with your sex life. That means you’re one step closer to getting the orgasm you so rightly deserve.

Firstly, it’s not your fault. 

Samantha X shares her tips on how to have better sex. Post continues below.

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Let me elaborate.

Most men have received terrible sex education. Instead of being trained on the anatomy of the female body and how to properly pleasure it, most men become “enlightened” at The School of Porn. This often results in a belief that sex is about male pleasure, not female. And that’s why many women don’t orgasm, and why some might have to get their kicks with a vibrator when their boyfriend is in the shower.

What you need to do is speak up. Confront him. Stop worrying about his ego and just tell him that you’re not coming and that you really wish you were. He’s your fiancé, right? If he can’t handle that type of honesty, what the hell is going to happen when you have kids?

My belief is that his ability to cope with not being able to deliver sexually is his problem, not yours. Instead of focusing on “embarrassing him”, just remind yourself that you only have one body and one life to live. Your pleasure, especially when you’re still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, needs to be as important as his. And if you can’t articulate that, then an orgasm-less marriage is as much your fault as it is his.

That said, I recognise it’s not always easy to broach this kind of topic.

If that’s the case, then I suggest you skip talking altogether and jump straight into bed. That’s right, show him what gets you off instead of telling him.

You’ll be able to get away with a sentence like “I want to try something new tonight” as a simple lead-in. Then take control and do whatever you would normally do to climax. If that means a different position then he typically favours, so be it. If you need to bring a vibrator into the mix, then bring a damn vibrator.

And then be vocal. Explain what feels good or what’s getting you close. Make noises if it’s great, and pull back if not. These verbal cues must be authentic, as that’s the only way he’ll know to replicate the actions during future sex. Then never look back.

The moral of the story is this: you’re the only one that can make this problem go away. Sure, he has “the tools” to help, but he doesn’t, at the moment, have the knowledge.

So do yourself a favour and educate him!

Best of luck, my dear. I hope you find the orgasm you’re looking for!

Read more from Ask Sean: 

• ASK SEAN: “I’m scared to tell my new boyfriend how many guys I’ve slept with.”
• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend and I have regular sex, but frankly it’s… really boring.”
• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend won’t stop liking photos of random girls in bikinis.”
• Ask Sean: “My ex is getting married and I feel… weird about it.”
• Ask Sean: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. Now he doesn’t want to have sex.”
• Ask Sean: “I’m fantasising about my boyfriend’s brother. Is this a bad sign?”
• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend poops in front of me all the time. Is he too comfortable around me?”

Sean Szeps is a freelancer, and Mamamia’s resident Agony Uncle. To ask him a question, you can email [email protected] You can also follow Sean on Instagram, or listen to him on Mamamia’s parenting podcast, The Baby Bubble. 

Please note: the image used in this post is stock.

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