I have never had a proper orgasm during sex despite having had three sexual partners in my life and being married for 12 years.
I kept assuming it would eventually happen, magically, spontaneously. First one boyfriend, and nothing, then the second boyfriend, then nothing and then my boyfriend who became my husband…surely he’d get me there.
No. Nothing.
That’s part of the problem, I think. I keep waiting for my sexual partners to figure out how to bring me to orgasm. I’m a Sex Sexist. I take no responsibility for my own orgasm during sex, expecting that if the men I am with are any good at it, they’ll do all the work for me.
I’m starting to realise that’s not exactly how it works. Or does it? Are there men who know how to bring any woman to orgasm, even if those women have never learned how and are too shy to ask for help?
My first boyfriend valiantly tried. I was 19 and he was older. He had a lot of experience and he was incredibly frustrated that it wasn’t happening for me. It was the year that movie Don Juan DeMarco starring Johnny Depp as the sexually adept yet troubled expert lover. It was 1995. My boyfriend and I watched the movie together and walked out hand-in-hand and then he said, “He makes it look so easy.”
I knew exactly what he was referring too and that night we really, really tried. It just didn’t happened.
I enjoyed sex. I still do. I just can’t get there. I get close to there, very near to there, almost there, but not bloody there.
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Top Comments
You have to show him what works for you. Don't let pride get in the way. Isn't it worth it the end when you both get to have an orgasm regularly?
This reminds me of women who keep waiting for their man to propose. Sometimes you just have to hit them over the head with what you want. It's much better than waiting and waiting for your man to "get it".
The guy is then happy too because he finally knows what you want and doesn't have to worry that he's disappointing you.
I don't think it is always the man's fault, but having had quite a few lovers I can tell you it's a minority of men that can make a woman come, of course this may just be my experience. The overwhelming issue is that many men really don't want to try, or are not particularly interested in making a woman come, it 's not that they don't want that to happen for a woman but they can't be bothered to make an effort. I have found some guys you kind of have to beg to do anything that might help you come, and if they do you feel so resentful and stressed thinking I have to come quickly because he is annoyed that he has to do this.
But there is another issue, if you are lucky enough to find that unselfish man by the time you meet him and have been through all the selfish lovers by that time you have a hang up about coming and it is quite difficult to do even if they are making the effort.
Most of the guys I have been with have either not tried, or they will do some things but if you say, "that's nice honey but can you do it a bit different" they get annoyed.
I did have one boyfriend who did just automatically have the right technique so at least I could come with him, however it was just by chance that he did the right thing, but all of the sex had to be exactly the way he wanted it, he would sulk if I didn't do everything the way he wanted, so I had this weird thing with him that he could make me come but I often felt resentful when we had sex, so physically things worked but emotionally I didn't feel connected because I felt constantly angry with him.
I have however had a brief fling with a guy who was actually quite incredible and unselfish, and every other time I was with a guy I had to make all this effort to fantasise etc for it to happen, with this guy I couldn't believe it for the first time in my life I had to stop myself from coming because within about 30 seconds of foreplay I almost came! He just had the best foreplay technique. Unfortunately I wasn't in love with this guy (though he was a very nice man and a very unselfish lover) so I just didn't feel the emotional connection there. So it feels as if either I get the physical pleasure but not the emotional connection or the emotional connection but not the physical.
On the other hand I know nearly all guys are obsessed with being good in bed, but not the kind of good in bed that a woman requires, but the kind of good in bed that only other men would judge. For instance just about every guy asks endlessly "am I big enough" "I don't think I went for long enough, I only went for 30 minutes but I used to be able to go for 40 minutes" You have to reassure them that yes they are the right size and that banging you for the length of time it takes to watch a Star Wars movie is "long enough". When you say "honey I don't actually need you to go for 2hrs what I need is for you to give me more than 2 minutes of foreplay" they just ignore you. It's like they want to impress their mates, "Hey man i banged this chick for 2 hours last night" Sometimes I really think men should just sleep with each other!
I think we need a sex app, so that when you meet a guy at a bar, you can look his ex girlfriend rating up "I give Darryl 9 out of 10 for kissing, but only 1 out of 10 for foreplay. I was going to give him 0 but decided to give him a 1 because his hand accidentally brushed against my clitoris when he took off my underwear"