The concept of mismatched libido isn’t new, nor is it uncommon.
But what happens when it’s not just your libido that’s out of sync with your partner, but your propensity to touch, also?
For one Reddit user, helpmethrowaway146, she’s been with her husband for more than 10 years. Only now, she says, does she feel like their ways of showing affection differ significantly.
“When we started dating, I was very upfront about my libido. I didn’t want to pressure him, and told him flat out that he should reject sex if he wasn’t up for it at any time; no hurt feelings on my part. He jokingly laughed and said he could meet my libido, but after a couple of months & the honeymoon phase was over, he admitted that he couldn’t. We’ve since started this little check-in; it’s not on the dot once a month, but every couple of weeks we just check in to see where we’re at with everything,” she wrote on the platform.
“I’m very frisky lately. I’m so in love with my husband, I’m just ready to go whenever. When I wake up next to him, I’m ready. When he comes to bed and his showering wakes me, I’m ready. Through-out the day I see him, and I’m ready. I know he doesn’t want me instigating sex that often, but he never had a problem with me being touchy-feely.”
However, he recently sat her down. She was touching him too often.
“I was always touching him and always frisky and he was a little angry about it, even.
“But he got a little angrier and said it wasn’t about pressuring him, I made him feel objectified. Like all I wanted was his body.
“I want to do something. Take extra steps besides just stopping to make him feel better. I want to sit down again and talk, but for the first time since I’ve met him I’m not sure how to start, or what to say.”
So, what do you do in this scenario?
According to Sydney sex therapist and relationship coach Jacqueline Hellyer, the couple in question are, first and foremost, on the right track.
“You have to talk about it, for a start, so you understand why it’s important for each person. Everyone has a different love language, and you can interpret them in different ways. For example, if one person’s love language is touch, and the other’s is action, then that person should think about how they would do touch. In short, interpreting their partner through their own experience.”
Hellyer says in that conversation, it’s important one half – in this case, the wife – explains exactly what she “gets” from touch.