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If I’d known falling pregnant would fix so many of my ailments, I’d have been up the duff yonks ago. I realise I sound like an 82-year-old woman using the word ‘ailment’ but at 32, I seriously felt like a ripe old duck… a duck with ailments.
At 13, when the ‘wonderful womanly changes’ happened to my body, I was smacked violently in the face (or should I say head) with migraines – debilitating, painful, rotten migraines. A dark room, a bed and complete silence were on my monthly agenda for around 15 years.
Nothing would get rid of those bad boys. If I added up all the money I’ve spent trying to fix this problem it would probably equal the price of a small yacht. Botox, reiki, massage, chiro, osteo, hypnosis, daily anti-migraine meds, meditation courses, counselling, diets – you name it, I’ve tried it. I was at my wits end.
Then… it happened. I had sex, I feel pregnant and voila – migraines gone. Like a bloody miracle.
My magic preggo hormones got rid of something that no doctor, or amount of money, could seem to fix. If I’d known this would be my magic potion I’d have been pregnant at 13, back when this all began. Hey, I could have even made some money from MTV and appeared on one their teenage pregnancy shows. If only I’d known!
I realise there is a flip side for many a pregnant dame, because while some of us become ailment-free, others receive an influx of them.
At the moment a handful of my friends are ‘with child’. We sat around talking about our pregnancies recently and there was a massive divide between the pregnancy lovers and the pregnancy haters. Some of us got the magic hormones and the others are finding pregnancy really rotten.
The pregnancy pros for some of us are pretty incredible. One of my friends can now do the splits. Yes – the splits. Her limbs are as flexible as when she was seven. She has turned into a big-bellied Gumby doll. Another friend is having seriously wild wonderful multiple orgasmic sex.
Then we visited the other side, and it wasn’t pretty. Pimples have sprouted on backs, nipples are sore and leaking (and the baby isn’t even here yet), migraines have started, hair is thinning, and then there’s hammer vag – that thumping, painful pressure that apparently feels like a hammer hitting the old vajayjay.
Pregnancy can be kind to some and a complete bitch to others. Either way it’s only nine months of bliss or hell, I suppose.
As for me, I am seriously contemplating being up the duff for the rest of my life. If it keeps my migraines at bay I’ll take the huge guts and stretch marks any day.
This post originally appeared on Show and Tell Online and has been republished with full permission.