lifestyle

"You're all monsters. Cadbury Creme Eggs are the worst."

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why you are all so obsessed with Cadbury Creme Eggs.

They are not delicious. They are sickly sweet, and gooey and weird. The last time I tried to eat one I gagged.

I dread the three-odd months they dominate the chocolate aisle at the supermarket because there’s a real expectation that I should want to eat them.

I don’t.

Today I learned that you all love them so much they are the number one pick on the Sportsbet top selling Easter egg market (that such a thing exists is a whole other story).

creme eggs bowl original
Ew.

They are more popular than Lindt gold bunnies because you are a pack of monsters.

When I was little I was allergic to dairy. It gave me sinus problems and ear infections. As a result, the first time my grandmother fed me vanilla ice cream I spat it back at her disgusted.

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My favourite ice cream was a tofu boysenberry swirl flavour, and I voluntarily consumed large amounts of soy milk (preferably warmed up, with a little bit of honey in it).

When I was five, my mum and I wrote an angry letter to Cadbury because they changed the Old Gold recipe so that it was no longer dairy free. My one chocolate option was closed off, and I was devastated.

I tell you this sad tale of childhood deprivation because the hardest time of year for tiny-allergic-SJ was Easter. All that chocolate. All those eggs.

Forbidden.

And the jewel in the crown of coveted off-limit eggs was the Creme Egg. It had sucked me in. I saw the ads with the “don’t get caught” song and I watched my peers happily stuffing their faces and I wanted that sweet sweet chocolatey goop for myself.

Disagree? Try this three-ingredient Creme Egg fudge to get your fix. Post continues after video… 

I waited. I got a lot older, and my allergies receded enough that it was possible to eat most things with no real problems.

So one Easter I went and got myself a Creme Egg. I was so excited. I had built it up so much, the love I was going to feel for this magical creation.

I bit in, and (because I was an adult, not a three-year-old) I then had to control my urge to spit it right back out again, just like the vanilla ice cream my Nan gave me all those years ago.

I’ve tried a few times since to get into them. But they are just too damn sweet.

When I tell people I don’t like Creme Eggs, they look at me like I’m a total freak. They tell me I just haven’t eaten enough of them. They start hassling me to try again.

I do know one person who agrees with me though, a brave but anonymous workmate who saw I was writing this story and said “I don’t like them either. At all”.

It’s nice to know I’m not completely alone.

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