When I was 20 I got really drunk, I went home with a boy I’d been sort-of-seeing, and I woke up the next day and discovered that things I hadn’t wanted to happen had happened. To be clear, I’d told him repeatedly when sober that I didn’t want to sleep with him. The next morning, when he filled in the blanks where my memory should have been, he kept saying I’d told him I’d changed my mind. But I had been blind drunk. And there were other details about it that made me feel awful, other things that made me feel used and violated and, there’s no nice way to say it, raped.
That was over a decade ago now. I never reported it. I knew what it was, and how it made me feel, but I also knew what a crapshoot it would be to try and pursue it. I was at university at the time. I was the women’s convenor of a political club, the women’s officer of the student union, the editor of the women’s edition of the newspaper. I knew what consent was, and what it wasn’t. I knew the ugly ball that sat in the pit of my stomach might not ever go away. The horrible sickness I felt every time I saw him would never recede. I knew I’d never be able to ever fully erase it from my mind. But I also knew the law’s not kind to the victims of sexual assault, and when the assault falls in that grey area of alcohol and men you’ve already done things with, it’s even more difficult to prove.
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When I was newly 18, i got blind drunk at a night club where they were holding some sort of male modelling completion. I started hooking up with one of the models, he was 28. We went back to his hotel and made out by the pool. He asked me if I wanted to take it further, I consented (although I was drunk) and we went up to his room. Right before he was about to enter me, I said I didn't want to. He told me it was absolutely fine and stopped immediately. He messaged me a week later to check if I was okay and that was all.
When I was 17, a teacher at my school was doing some private maths tutoring for me at my home. He messaged me one day and said I'll see you tomorrow cutie. I never replied and thought maybe it was sent in error. I had never so much as indicated to this teacher that I was interested in anything other than doing well in maths. The next day, he came over and while we were alone he started to rub my leg and put his hands and feet up my skirt. I got really scared. Thankfully my parents came home. He acted like nothing happened and I was stunned. I told my Mum I didn't want to do tutoring anymore. I never reported the incident because I was ashamed like I would be blamed for wearing a short skirt (we lived in a humid area!). I didn't want the whole school finding out.
So the reason I posted this is because I wanted to point out the difference. That a guy who had the perfect opportunity to take advantage of me when I was drunk, naked, alone and far away from home was the absolute perfect gentleman. And the man who should have had boundaries between us as a teacher and student, tried to sexually assault me in broad daylight at 4 in the afternoon in my own home.
Intoxication is not an excuse to be raped. The rapist is always, always at fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also was raped, in my home, in my own bed, more than 20 years ago. I had just moved out of home and was enjoying my newfound freedom. I went out to a nightclub with a girlfriend and she brought two guys back to my share house. She was friends with one, the other was his friend. The friend of the friend raped me. I had been drinking, but I know I didn't consent. I remember trying to get away from him. I remember him telling me he thought I was the kind of girl who liked it rough. There were other people in the house, but I didn't call out. I'd only just moved into an advertised room in a share house, so I was just getting to know my new flatmates. I was only 18 and worried about what they'd think of me. I was also worried about my boyfriend finding out. So stupid, but that's what I thought. I never reported it. There must be millions of these stories. It's sickening. There is no grey area. A person cannot give informed consent if they're drunk. It's that simple.