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"I wish I’d had the sex sober." 10 women share the first time they had sex after a big breakup.

Breakups are bloody f**king hard. There's no better way to say it. 

It can be especially difficult when you think you've found someone who you believed would be there for the long haul, but for reasons often unbeknownst to you - they just weren't. 

But believe us when we say this; we've all been there. 

And so to make us feel a little less alone, Mamamia asked 10 women to anonymously share their experience in having sex for the first time after a major breakup. To find out how it went, if it helped, and where it led to.

While you're here, these are the worst excuses we've used for a breakup. Post continues after video.


Video via Mamamia.

Here's what they had to say.

Hailey.

"I had sex 23 months after my first big breakup, and my partner and I were together for six months before we decided to go our separate ways. Having sex for the first time after that felt... therapeutic. I had judged myself for waiting for so long, but I didn't want to have sex just to have sex. I wouldn't have enjoyed it if I had forced myself to get back into it straight away. 

"While it was a positive experience, it was also difficult because it really was just a hook-up on his part. Which is fine as they didn't have feelings, and realistically I didn't really either. But it would have been nice to not feel like a 'hit it and quit it' type of thing.

"In retrospect, I would have started my healing process earlier, so I'd have had the confidence to put myself out there sooner. Twenty-three months was right for me, but it could have been drastically shorter if I had put in the work to fix whatever insecurities I had.

"My advice to someone having sex for the first time after a big breakup would be not to rush just to feel like you are worth something. Take your time. Please enjoy yourself and USE A CONDOM (if a penis is involved, of course)."

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Taylor.

"I waited six months to have sex after my big first breakup, and my partner and I had been married for three years before we decided to split. Getting back into sex felt really liberating, exciting and empowering.

"While it was a positive experience, I wish I kept it private. I got hella judged by my super conservative family and close friends.

"My advice though to anyone wanting to get back into it would be to stay safe, aim high (remember your standards), have fun with it, and make sure you are the one calling the shots. Go for it in your own time. It's fine to wait, and it's also fine to jump right in when you know you're ready. Oh, and don't expect everyone to understand your sexuality, or your history. No one is entitled to a front-row seat of your life decisions. You do you!"

Stephanie.

"I waited to have sex for the first time after breaking up with my partner of 15 months for precisely two hours.

"To be honest, I was so drunk, that I couldn't even begin to describe what it was like. I just remember enjoying it, and feeling like I'd avenged myself because it was his friend I was sleeping with.

"It was a positive experience for me in the moment, but negative looking back. I was a very sad 19-year-old looking to hurt my crummy ex's feelings. Overall, I wish I’d had the sex sober. BUT if I had been, I probably would have taken a picture to send to him... 

"My advice to anyone thinking about when to have sex after a big breakup would be to not do something stupid for the sake of it. Because you’ll be unpacking it in therapy, or with your friends, for years."

Read more: My Break Up Story: "I ended my 4-year relationship for a guy I met a day earlier."

Brittney.

"I had sex for the first time in June of this year, after splitting up with my ex of seven years. The experience was truly terrifying. I had only ever been with my ex and he had taken all of my confidence when he left. But after the sex, I felt so incredible and like I was unstoppable. It was a massive confidence booster for me.

"It really was a positive experience, and I wouldn't change anything looking back. My only advice to someone who might be in my position is to just wait until you are ready for it."

Claire. 

"I had sex for the first time after my big break up exactly two weeks after my fiancé and I broke things off. We had been together for six years, and to be honest the experience felt drunken, rushed and it filled me with morning-after regret and self-loathing.

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"The experience for me felt positive while I was doing it, but negative afterwards. The guy was super nice and attentive; he even wanted to make me breakfast in the morning. But as soon as the sun rose, I just wanted to flee. I felt dirty and was so down on myself for being what I thought was reckless. 

"I wish that I had waited longer! I was out with girlfriends drinking and just let the drunken haze get the better of me. All in all, my advice to someone who is in my similar situation would be not to do it drunk! Also make sure that you're really ready to [have sex again] - for yourself."

Anna.

"I had sex for the first time about three to four weeks after breaking up with my boyfriend of two years. The experience was really funny. We were both so nervous to sleep together (as we'd been good friends for a year prior), and so it was a bit performative from both of us as we were trying to be sexy. After we finished, we asked each other 'is that how it usually is for you?' and then burst into a fit of laughter because we realised in that moment that we were both trying so hard to be sexy... and by proxy we were the absolute opposite of that. 

"We did it again not long after and that was a much more natural session!

"While it was a positive experience, the sex has gotten better since. In retrospect though, we both should have been more ourselves, but honestly it's a funny anecdote to look back on. 

"My advice? Try to do it with someone you feel comfortable with or supported by - so if there are any embarrassing moments, you won't die of shame and can just laugh it off instead."

Jane. 

"My ex and I were together for three and a half years before breaking it off, and I waited five months before having sex again. The experience felt really weird because it was with someone new. Not only had it been a while since my relationship ended, but it had been a while since I had sex (we didn't have sex for at least the last six months of us being together), so I felt really out of practice and it sort of felt like my first time all over again. But once I stopped over thinking and got out of my head, it felt fun and exciting to be able to have sex with someone new that I had feelings for.

"Overall, it was a really nice experience once I got out of my head and stopped over thinking it, and it went from something I was nervous about to something that was fun and exciting. The only thing I wish I could change looking back would be that I didn't over think so much and just enjoyed the moment more.

"For anyone in a similar position to what I was in, I would advise you to get out of your head and enjoy the moment because once you do you'll realise how amazing sex can be again (especially if it has been a while)."

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Ella. 

"My ex and I were together for two years but it moved really fast and once we broke up, I waited two months before getting back into the game again. The experience though was honestly heartbreaking. I think I did it as a form of 'payback', before I was really healed. It wasn't the same and I kind of felt gross after. The person was lovely and did well... [but it] just wasn't the same feeling.

"The experience for me was both positive and negative. It helped me realise that there's more out there, someone else will like me and I got this, but honestly just really heartbreaking at the same time.

"In spite of it all, I wouldn't change anything looking back. My advice to anyone thinking about when to have sex after a big breakup would be: don't do it because you feel like you have to. As the saying goes 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,' but this isn't always the case. 

"You need to be ready, and for both your sake and the other persons, you need to be healed. No one is judging you if you don't get straight back out there. Take the time you need to grieve and when you are ready, find someone who cares and go wild!"

Have you just gone through a breakup? Listen to Mamamia's podcast The Undone, where Em and Lucy share their tips on how to get through it. Post continues after podcast.


Gianna. 

"I had sex for the first time about four months after breaking up with my partner of almost two years. 

"I was so so scared [to have sex again], especially because I 'lost' my virginity to my ex boyfriend. And also because I was attracted to this guy (he was lovely), but I was very aware that it was a hookup, and that within itself was something I had never done. I called multiple friends, exchanged notes about what I should and shouldn't expect. It was a lot of emotional prep.

"For me, the experience was honestly great. He knew what he was doing, and he knew how to go down on a woman (something my ex had no idea about). He asked all the right questions, like what my turn ons were, and he made me feel so comfortable. 

"I was very scared that I would hate it, that my ex boyfriend would be the best I'd ever have and we wouldn't be able to recreate the chemistry cause we didn't love each other. And also I was just very scared that I would never find anyone attracted to me, cause my ex was my first everything pretty much. I can confidently say this was all untrue and all in my head. I stayed over, we watched a movie, and it was honestly great. I couldn't ask for anything else.

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"Looking back, I don't regret anything. I wish he could've been added to the roster, but it didn't end up that way.

"My advice to anyone that is going through the same thing I did would be to not rush into putting yourself out there. Don't compare yourself to anyone, everyone's timeline is different, especially your exes."

Liana.

"My partner and I were together for five years before we decided to call it quits. I waited about seven or eight months before I had sex again, and it was cathartic for me. I felt like I needed to physically put SOMEONE between my ex and I after being with eachother for so long. Kind of like turning a page. It was a bit strange to be naked with someone else who wasn't my ex, but it was also kind of liberating. I was different now, and could be anything I wanted with this guy. It was exciting.

"For the most part, it was a positive experience for me. The sex itself was okay - not amazing. It felt weird to have to communicate so fully after years of being with someone who knew what worked and what didn't. The guy was someone I met on Hinge, who I then hooked up with over a few weeks. He was nice enough, but it was nothing serious on my end so the pressure was low. It was good because I wasn't worried about navigating emotional territory.

"I do wish I was safer about it though. It had been a while since I'd had to negotiate safe sex. He didn't offer to use a condom, and I didn't insist. It was careless, and pretty good luck that I avoided an STI. He called me a few weeks later saying I should get checked because he had caught something. 

"I had already done so, and thankfully I was clear. Not a mistake I'll be making again!

"Personally, I needed to wait until I wasn't too emotional and heartbroken to enjoy sex for what it was. Otherwise I'd have just been upset that things with my ex didn't work out and I was not keen to burst into tears mid-bang with some random dude. So, I'd say, just make sure you're doing it for you, not to prove anything, not as revenge, and not if you're still grieving. Do it when you'll feel good about it."

Have a story about your sex life that you want to share with us? Let us know in the comments below!

*Names have been changed for privacy. 

Feature Image: Getty.