You were right to call yourself a coward in that message you sent me in late December. Only a coward could end a seven-year relationship with 160 characters.
You were wrong when you said I had your soul and you had mine. You have no right to hold hostage over my soul when you knew very well you were never returning home. No part of you deserves the immortal part of my being, and the spirit that embodies me.
I slept with you in January. I thought it meant something to you too. I thought we were on track to rebuild what we lost to that argument in December. I fought damn hard for you, and you know that too.
“This isn’t the end so we shouldn’t treat it that way,” you told me as I redressed.
And so if that wasn't the end, where have you been? Seven years, a combined soul, infinite memories and a physical connection that knew no boundaries now haunt me with the ghost of you.
Your absence on Mother’s Day was telling. You were always my biggest supporter so when the day ended and I’d not heard from you, I made a mental note to prepare for your absence on my impending birthday. And although we met before my children were born, for the first time I questioned whether you were embarrassed to date a mother of two children.
Since then, I’ve not bombarded you with messages. I’ve sent two messages to let you know how deeply I still love you, and also offered a couple of really simple ‘hellos’. Simple ones that if you were feeling any ounce of doubt, or embarrassment, or regret, these were easy opportunities to slide in a reply. Trust me, even the harshest of replies would have felt less callous than ghosting me.
It must be incredibly tiring being constantly on the run. Running from friends. From Family. From me.
‘It’s his attachment style getting in the way. He is an avoidant,’ people tell me. I get it. But I’d like to think after seven years you’d feel comfortable enough to give me a proper explanation. At the very least, a more thought out goodbye.
Listen: Are you anxious, avoidant, or secure? And how can knowing your attachment style help you find love?